Haven’t really been here in a long time.  I made a decision that I wasn’t going to wallow anymore, not that I think I really was, but still I needed a change. 

So, now things have fallen again…slowly but absolutely.  I’m not quite in the dark hole anymore but I’m also still not quite out.  It’s okay though.  I’m coping and that’s the main thing.  I went off my anti-depressants about a month and a half ago and I do not regret it one bit.  I had discussed it with my counselor and doctor and both agreed that if I felt they weren’t doing anything then it wouldn’t hurt to try.  I can always go back.  No thanks.  I’d rather live clearly.  And the weight gain…I’m still struggling to lose that but I will. 

The pills were just making me feel worse anyway.  I think that’s why they agreed once they realized how far I was falling again.  Gaining weight does nothing for your self-esteem and well being.  I mean really, once you already have a low self esteem, like you need anything else to knock you further.  Besides, I was having terribly violent episodes.  Not toward anyone else, but myself only.  We can find many ways of self destruction and apparently I had taking to bruising myself badly, although I’m still not clear on what happened.  Black outs and all.

Definitely better to be off the meds.  No longer having those probs anymore.

At least the weather is finally improving.  Sun is shining brightly and it’s finally warm.  I don’t know how much longer I could have endured the rain and snow.  The brain was constantly turning and I just had to find someting to calm it.  It had occurred to me several times that it was a shame I didn’t do drugs or drink, that either may have been a nice escape for a short time.  So instead I set about to planning my demise.  It’s amazing how comforting it was.  Don’t misunderstand, I have no intention of offing myself.  It’s not really in my nature.  I may hurt myself in different ways, but I’m in no hurry to end it all.  I understand how easy it can be, but there are too many things left undone to be so callous and cruel to those in my life.  So to plan my end, to give myself a feeling of control, that was all I had in mind.  And it helped to give me some peace for awhile.  That’s gone now.

I decided instead to indulge myself in the fictional world.  I hadn’t read in so long, but that was simply because once I pick a book up, I don’t put it down until it’s done.  So, in one weekend I read through my daughter’s Twilight saga.  It quieted the brain for awhile.  So now I figure, through a less destructive path, I have found a way to keep my brain occupied.  I’ve finished Angels&Demons and have begun the Sookie Stackhouse series.  I figure there are seven more books in that series so that should help for awhile until the weather here stabilizes and I can get out in the yard and do yardwork.  Although mental exhaustion is much more complete, at least the physical exhaustion can help guard against that.

So now I’ve rambled.  The point?  I don’t know.  I journal almost every day to get the thoughts and emotions out but for some reason, sharing this with people who may understand is much more helpful and much more of a release and relief to me.  So I thank you to those who have taken the time to read.



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