Hey guys, I just wanted to say before I start blogging these entries that some content may rely on context. I will try my best to illustrate the context where I feel it necessary, but if there is something you do not understand feel free to ask me. I am blogging old diary entries about my personal experience with OCD in the hopes that they may help others who can relate, or help widen knowledge of different forms of OCD.
PLEASE NOTE: Over the past few months my OCD has focused primarily on decontamination through cutting myself, so I would suggest that those who are easily triggered by talk of such rituals do not read the entries containing such content. I will put a warning before I write to ensure that you are aware.
16/08/2012
Why aren't I happy as often as I should be, or as content as people would perceive me at first glance? I should be elated right now and full of excitement and joy. I got my AS Level results today, I got an E and 3 As, exactly what I was hoping for. I am happy about that, well, more relieved, but my mood just doesn't feel "right" to me. Generally, when with friends and family, or occupied with something requiring full attention, I am ok. I can smile and genuinely laugh with them, though I am noticing some more frequent bouts of sadness lately, which I do manage to hide. But when I am on my own, my mood is often terrible at the moment. A huge wave of dull sadness just washes over me, sometimes due to my thoughts, other times just at random. It usually doesn't last for more than a few hours, occasionally a few days, but it is such a horrible feeling which, whilst there, seems impossible to lift. It sometimes feel as though my heart has literally sunk to my stomach, pulling my facial expression with it.
17/08/2012 *CONTAINS CONTENT ABOUT SELF-HARM*
Yesterday was the first time I forgot to take my meds since I started taking them consistently again (I takeSertraline), which I guess is reasonable with it being results day. But yesterday was also the first day on which I cut in a few weeks. Since then I've cut myself on 3 occasions, all in response to the decontamination compulsion. I don't believe this was due to one day without meds as I don't think it would take effect that rapidly and I've been ok in the past when I would forget the odd day. I felt quite in control of this compulsion again until now. My arms were clearing up and all that was left was scarring. I was looking forward to being able to wear my shirts with shorter sleeves et cetera but now it seems I am back at square one.
I'm going camping with my friends on the 24th August and to be honest I don't feel up to that right now. I actually considered talking to them and pulling out but they are counting on me for transport now too so that's not an option. I love them so much and enjoy being with them but I just feel too unstable. How am I going to cut and dispose of "contamination" in a tent on a camping site? How am I going to take some time out if I'm hit by a bout of sadness? On top of that is the fear that I am going to die wherever I go on a holiday. It happened in the USA and that was without staying in a tent on an island: I just don't feel ready to do this…
*I haven't quite decided how I am going to post these entries yet, either daily or weekly… does anyone have any preferences? As I said, if you have any questions please feel free to comment, I am more than happy to try and give advice"
I was wondering about your self harm do you still cut i started cutting about 10 months ago i have had occasions where i have stopped for the most 4 – 5 weeks. It wasn't to bad at first but the last 2 month i have been cutting a bit too deep that i have need stitches. My psychologist gave me a list to try instead of self harming for example hold a ice cube on my arm, draw on myself with red pen, ping an elastic band around my wrist, pour water with red food colouring on my arms or legs and loads more which just do not work for me and another thing for some reason i was liking the stitches i had and when it was time for them to come out the stitches in my arms i took out myself and enjoyed doing it sorry i know how crazy this sounds but sorry what i wanted to know is if you have managed to stop yourself from harming how did you manage to control it?
@chez – is your self-harm an act of emotional release? That's what I got from your post. I have been cutting less that I was a few months ago – I have had recent intervals of weeks where I've resisted the compulsion to cut. I cut for a different reason though, so the grounds on which we resist would be different. My self-harm comes from an obsession in itself, as opposed to an emotion – if that makes any sense?
Yeah thats right i cut for emotional release i feel so good and releaved once i have cut but another thing i have around 25 tattoo's getting them also gave me the same releif and when i stopped getting tattoo's thats when i started cutting.