I feel like being guilty about talking to two people at once is bad. I accidently called someone the wrong name because I was talking to someone else and said the wrong name. Why do I feel like I murdered someone? Strange how something so insignificant can become so huge in the mind of a person. To relieve my symptoms I have been trying to do ANYTHING to make me feel. I've lost around eight pounds I think, and now fit in a suit size that is two sizes smaller than what I usually wear. Do I find that awesome? Yes. Would most people care? Probably not.
Seems like most people laugh at the fact I wear suit and tie. Laugh is the wrong word. I probably should say they don't get it. Well, it's simple why I do. It's because it's manly. And, no, not manly as in it's because I am a man, but because I believe clothing is part of what makes a man a TRUE man. Being born male does not make you a 'man.' A man is a male who realizes he makes mistakes, who tries his best to do the right thing, who loves and cares for others. Plus, I find people respect me more when I wear a suit and tie, or at least a tie. People are just simply better to you when you present yourself to them in a good fashion. I can tie my tie probably around ten different ways. Lets see, I regularly use these knots: the Balthus, Four-in-Hand, Pratt, Half-Windsor, Windsor (on thin ties), and Prince Albert (on thin/long ties). I know other ways, but these are the knots I use. I can also tie a bow tie. I take pride in that knowledge. I can even dimple my tie. I bet many don't even know what that refers to. I also know how to tie a day cravat and also a formal cravat. I own about a dozen collared shirts and even know the difference between their collar types (yes, there are many kinds). I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I don't strive to be perfect or anything, I just want to be happy with how I look. I'm not saying I think I look attractive or anything, that's not for me to decide. I just know I look my best, and when I walk places I walk like I own the place because I am Zack Pomerleau and I am a figther AND a lover.
I suppose my OCD wants me to suffer based on my mistakes. Also, based on everything that makes me happy. I think I can honestly say if I was to die today, I'd be able to say I made an impact of many people's lives. I admit I haven't stayed in too many lives very long, but I think I've had a purpose within each and every life. Seems like everyone I meet and get to know tells me the same thing, that I'm different. I like to think that even though I make mistakes, I do help the people I get close to. And with every person I get close to, I learn a little more about mysellf and how to help myself. It's improvising. Sometimes I don't know how to do something or what to say, so I just try my best. Sometimes I learn something I didn't know was in me, and it helps me. I'm learning right now to hold back. That's always been a major flaw of mine, I don't shut up. I don't mean I talk a lot (which I do), but that I say too much. Sometimes things are better left unsaid for the sake for everyone. I'm getting better at that. It takes people and their troubles to learn about yourself sometimes. When someone tells me they are holding back, or they are sad, or they are angry, or they are happy, I manage to learn a little bit more. I think I have been blessed with many special talents, and cursed with many problems. These don't always intertwine so well, but I need to get better so that I can use my talents. It would be a shame to waste my talents or to use them for wrongdoing. I want to help people, and to do that I need to help myself, and by helping others I learn a little more on just how to do that.
Tonight I will go to bed. Alone. In my own bed. Because maybe loneliness isn't so bad. There's always someone thinking about you somewhere. That's what counts. It's not first impressions, or the clothes you wear, or anything like that. That's just for our own personal satisfaction. The overall impression is what matters. How we fix our mistakes, right our wrongs. That's what matters. So, I'm not really alone. Sometimes you just need to remember that people can't be there for whatever reason. Some people want to be. I know some do. I sense it. But, sometimes it's just not right to let it be known. Sometimes it's just not possible. But, tonight, I am not alone.