Ever feel like somedays you just cant seem to win with your own personality? i am finding that i am struggling with figuring things out atm and angry a lot of the time with everyone at everything and yet at nothing. I am growing tired of feeling like i cant win with my own self i feel very self concious a lot of the time i have a lot of people around me and yet it also feels like no one…
These days i am struggling with being who i am and the sides of me i dont like. Lately i can see the big bad bitch coming out i am becoming more assertive,tollerating less and less of people and there shit and well simply growing tired of the constant worrying. I do at times miss this side of my personality its i suppose what provides me with a lot of my drive and determination and yet at the same time i dont like her i worry about what others think of this honest and open person who simply doesnt care though doesnt care mabey isnt the right word i am just well frankly angry and not always considerate my bad temper added into this does tend to make a lot of people sit back and re evaluate me… myself included the fact that i have a section of me that is so cold harsh worries me more, ive seen over the many years how this part of me can be very hurtful to others. My depression/anxiety is a cause for a lot of my personality changes it makes me very withdrawn, uncertain about myself and my abilities and well leaves me open a lot of the time to allowing people to walk over me. Its hard to find this fine line of being myself and also being someone i can look at in the mirror and sadly some of my personality traits certainly have made me question some of my decisions and actions in the past….
I know a lot of people say you act differently when in different situations and groups and these days i am noticing a big difference at work, home and my college life and yet i am not entirely sure i like much of them or perhaps i just dont like who iam atm. i am outspoke, oppinonated and very harsh and bitchy, ive got a serious bitch persona atm and the reason? Well the reason is i am simply tired of being nice it gets me no where and leaves me being treated like a cunt! For the past few years my mental health has left me sitting constantly over annalyising and watching others and their reactions to me that ive feel as though i stopped being myself and just spent the time being worried about what they will think and say and do… the bottom line is it doesnt matter what i do they will still say, think and do whatever the fuck they want regardless i cant make people like me and i cant make them be nice to me so why do i continue to try ? I would like to look into the mirror each day and see the strong person i know is in me and not this broken shell but can i have her without this bitchy in your face attitude ? and why is it all coming up and out of me? letting my mouth run away with itself and not thinking before i speak ALWAYS gets me in a tone of shit! Argh the bottom line for today is i am just frustrated with myself… i am tired of the constant second guessing, of the worrying, the feelings that i am not good enough, that i am nothing special, the days where i cant seem to see what the people around me see and yet at the same time this part other side thats confident assertive, self assure, comanding the part of me that i sometimes miss and yet also hate because i am left feeling like a total bitch because of her? how do you find a middle ground and why am i finding that this issue is arrising?
Friday at college was a prime example a girl no sorry a women who is at least 10+ years older than me constantly distances herself from the group and then moans about it, she trys so very hard to be the top and the best in the class and her doing so leaves her very confused and well missing out on key facts and information she requires, the fact that she has been caught out lying and then sat moaning because our lecturer wouldnt extend things for her due to her having time off just well was the final straw for me she had plenty of ample time to do it she is only at college, i on the other hand have got health problems, kids and a job and was absent for a week due to other commitments and yet i managed to get things handed in and done on time regardless her moaning to me resulted in the harsh well why does the lecturer have to hold everyone else back for 1 person? i dont think i was supposed to say this out loud to her but she was just generally on my last nerve. i have already decided that i find her grating on my nerves and try to stay away another annoying habbit is that she cannot wait for her to be able to speak/join in on a conversation she has to talk over someone and will not stop doing so until everyone is paying her attention! Normaly i feel for the outcast and always try to bring them in but this women is well needing to fucking grow a set and just be her frankly.
Work today i had a customer who took a lot of my time making sure she had the right deals ect only for her then to not remember her mobile phone passwords ( like this is my fault, i did not set up these for you… how the fuck am i supposed to know the answers to these questions its your dam device ) after the customer left the store i repsonded to my collegues about this being a common issue that really fucking pisses me off the boss looked kinda wide eyed! ive spent the time since ive come home worrying about this reaction as it isnt normally what i am like at work but i suppose everyone has a tick but just now for me i am just getting tired of everyone wanting it to be my box.
Is how i am feeling just sheer frustration? is this the part of my personality that my mental health hides/takes from me? or am i just growing older and well fed up worrying and wanting to just be comfortable with all sides of my slef? why cant i be all of these things? confident ,, assertive, bitchy ect but being like this when its needed and being in control of myself and my own reactions? does anyone else have these struggles or is it just part of being a women and having days/weeks where you could quite easily rip off someones balls, hair and scream with sheer frustration or does everyone feel like this and no one says ?