hey to anyone that reads my blog. i haven't been on here for a while but have noticed that a few changes have happened to the site…and same thing can be said about my situation and why i have decided to come back here the safe haven from the real world…or the physical world.
lately more and more i have been able to work back into an almost normal life though the pains of popping the pills still pains me to no end cos they make me feel inside like im less than human and more like an addict of some sort. i know that the pills help me stay calm and focused sometimes and even help my concentration….or maybe thats my self confidence? i don't know but i do hope that it stays with me for as long as possible.
anyway i have been chatting to a rather young net female friend and have always been cautious of what i say to her because i am 26 after all and she is at least 10 yrs younger than me and im in no mood to be branded a paedophile…even if they live in australia somewhere. and anyway before long we became very gud friends despite the time difference and i confided in her after a very long time ….(i think about 3 months at least)….about my depression and that at times im so depressed i wish i can disappear from the world and leave no traces of myself for others…including memories of me. i know what you might think why would an idiot talk about such a thing to a 16yr old girl about this kinda stuff? i asked myself that question that lately too till i got myself ill and needing to see the dr about my ill health. anyway, it wasn't till just a few days ago that she confessed her love for me though she has learnt from me to move on no matter how hard it is…though to be rather blunt i was scared of that thought….of being loved or cos someone can love something as defective as myself…at certain times before she did drop hints that she deeply cares about me but i thought nothing of it or should i say i darent think or make anything of it and jus say i care for her as a friend… yeah i know im cruel arent i? or am i really being cruel? and now we as friends have reached an awkward situation whereby i told her i love her as a friend but should i have really used the term love? maybe i should have used the term cared or something along those lines?
maybe im overreading the situation but i dare not make a single mistake because stupid as i may have seemed i do have a son….though i am keeping minimal contact with his mother cos not only is my son young but i dont want him to kinow of such a dispicable father as myself who ran away from him and his mother…literally u could say…for his safety in certain regards and my sanity cos his mother drove me deeper and deeper into depression and stress and paranoia. let's jus say i dont want him to find out he has a father like me no matter what his age is…personally i think it'll be better if he thought i died at least that way he wont have to find out about me abandoning him and the truth about me and my mental health problems. yes i know thats plain running away from responsibility but isnt it for the better?
the more i feel im getting better the more i feel that im causing pain everywhere i turn or touch…like im a disease or a plague that should be cleansed from this earth.
if there's anyone out there that has read all this pls tell me what u think…no matter how painful ur reply maybe i dont mind cos i know the more painful it is now the better my mind will become hopefully one day when i accept the answers to things right now in front of me.