I’m presuming Jonathan has left Tribe.  I went to check out my list of ‘favourites’ to look at everyone’s blogs, since I haven’t really been on here much the last couple months or so, and he’d just vanished.  Further searches have yielded no such user…so I guess that’s that.  I mean, he and I e-mail, so he hasn’t vanished from my life, no, but still…changes always affect me badly.  It doesn’t matter how big or how small, I end up feeling really sad…like it’s the ‘end of an era’ or something, and I can’t stop the passage of time, blah blah blah.  I mean, it really is remarkable how many things can somehow lead to me panicking about the fact that one day I’m going to die.[br][br]This Armageddon business…the New Year came and the first thought in my head was, ‘One more year closer to 2012,’ and the panic set in: ‘what if the world as we know it DOES end that December?’  I can’t stand having this deadline in my mind.  I wish no one had ever mentioned it to me.  I hate archaeology, history, people and the media for this!  I mean, it seems to be inescapable.  And everything sounds alright in my head…it’s contained there.  But if I start to say it aloud and think about it objectively…I sound like one of those ‘crazy’ people you see on TV, like on a documentary about superstitious beliefs or UFO-chasers or I don’t know….  How did this happen???  How on earth did I manage to become one of them??  And how did I not even notice the change?[br][br]I just can’t even go into this, into the severity of my problem right now, the extremity.  I mean, I feel fine, it’s just every time I’m not distracted, like when I’m in bed at night and it’s dark and quiet and it’s just me and my thoughts, it will hit me, and no rationalising or logic or prayer or anything will make it go away.[br][br]*Sigh*  I just want to be back home in bed.  It’s like ice in this office, I’m bundled up in so many layers, I can’t stand it.  And even that, I just think: climate change – is this a sign?