I’ve not been on here for a while, so just thought I’d drop by. Not feeling too bad today, better than most days. Anyway just felt the need to write stuff down. I hope nobody minds reading my ramblings.

Well I’ve tried Mirtazapine, it made me spaced out and drowsy but still depressed. Then I tried Duloxetine, gave me bad hot and cold sweats and muscle spasms – stopped me crying though, don’t think I’d have even cried i’d gone to a funeral. Anyway I reduced the dose from 60 to 30mg, but psychiatrist said 30mg was doing no good, and put me on Trazadone, this was the worst ever, took it for 2 nights, felt like I’d been drugged, couldn’t function at all, felt totally ill on it. I have now ditched the lot, refused point blank to take anything because the side effects of AD’s are worse for me than the depression. I’ve just started counselling, had one session so far, I don’t feel any different, but its early days yet, so we’ll see

Anyway, I’ve been free from AD’s for 3 weeks now, I have cried most days and had thoughts of suicide most days. I haven’t told any of my family that I’m depressed, they would not understand. I have one friend that I see about once every 2 weeks and I haven’t told her either. My manager at work knows and I’ve talked to her about it, and she has been really supportive. But I need to talk to someone who’s been there, who knows were I’m coming from.

The trouble is I have nothing going on in my life. I have drifted from one relationship to another over the years, seeking something that maybe does not exist, I don’t know. I want to find love, but I can’t seem to find it. The trouble is I’m not really keen on sex, never have been. I just want a platonic relationship with a guy, but where would I meet a guy who would be happy with that? Am I destined for a life alone because I don’t like sex? I’m gonna be 50 in July, I could live for years, and I can’t contemplate a life without love and companionship. Does anyone have any suggestions?