I can’t do this anymore. I feel so depressed at times. I don’t even think life has a purpose. I feel helpless, or like crying. I feel judged. I feel lonely.

Some days I wish I could start my life again. Fresh and pure, with a LGBTQ+ supporting family.  I love my family, and they are one of the main reasons why I don’t commit suicide. But other than that, I am hanging on a thread.

I have so much issues I don’t know where to start. I’m insecure, think I’m fat, depressed, have anxiety, and so lonely. I’m also in the closet which makes me very sad because I know my own family won’t support who I am. And that, is what breaks my heart and shatters it on the floor. The fact that my own fucking family doesn’t get it. They’ll think something is wrong with me, that I’m going to hell, or that I need to be “fixed”.

My family is one of the main causes for my depression. I feel I can’t be myself around them, and they don’t understand what I go through. (I don’t have severe depression, but enough that I never really feel happy anymore. )I don’t even know who I am, and feel so suffocated in that tiny closet.

And then: it gets worse. I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH! The classes are okay, but the kids aren’t. Near winter I switched from the “popular” group to a group that was much nicer and let me be myself. I was so happy, my depression was going away, me and this guy were dating, life was great. Until it wasn’t.

I was really sick one week, and when I cam back all my friends didn’t seem so happy to see me. I never found out what I did. They started excluding me and one of my BEST FRIENDS was obviously hitting on the guy I was dating. By that time me and him broke up, but it still hurt. Yes, I was over him. But the fact that my best friend would like him right after we break up, and the fact that he’s hitting on her?? My heart broke, once again. And very slowly, my depression started coming back, along with that suffocating feeling.

I had suicidal thoughts, thought I was overweight,  got very stressed, and just thought I did something wrong. Oh, and by this point my friends basically hate me.

So, for the SECOND TIME this year I looked for new friends. And I’ve finally found them! Yeah, you can consider us dorks, but I don’t care. My happiness is coming back. I still am depressed, in the closet, have anxiety, and are petty lonely, but I’m getting better. I just hope I can keep it this way.

1 Comment
  1. mddandme 2 years ago

    Hope your happiness continues to grow. 🙂

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