"Under My Feet" by Celldweller (with notes by your’s truely)

So this is how it feels to suffer?
And I had too much to say
But it’s over now
And I’m going down
Alone, alone
I’ve no guarantees
I’ll recognize my disease

I guess I’ve recognized this. I’ve read enough and I’ve heard enough…this is a disease that requires treatment. That doesn’t mean I have treatment available, but I can recognize this for what it is. Is that a step in the right direction, or merely a step….sideways maybe.

Before my time has gone
It’s all I’ve found
Can’t get the hell off the ground
Out from under my feet
Promises and wishes all mean nothing
When it’s me that I’m speaking to

How true is this? It’s me that I am wrestling with here. I’m big on trying to keep my promises to others — If I tell you I’ll be there….I’ll be there. If I tell you I’ll do something…I’ll do it. But when it comes to me? I tend to let me slide. It’s like "Well, I’ll understand"…when that is apparently untrue.

Wanting something
Won’t mean I will see it through

Also true. How many things have I started in my life? How many of those have fallen through? From that vantage point, I have been self-destructive for a large portion of my life. And not always in the self-harm area, but in sabotaging myself at every turn. — Gods, so many things I have wanted…things I DO want. So many failures. So many false starts. It’s as if, now, I’m frightenend to even start something else. What is there to make the next try any different?

I don’t need to see these visions to remind me
That I’m dying from the inside out
Wanting you here
It still means I must do without
I can’t criticize your reasons for living
When you’re the one missing them

…Or when I’M the one missing them…

Wanting, dreaming
That I may find where they come from
Find where they come from
Where they come from
I dream you
And I want to
Be near you
I can’t get up out from under my feet
I’ve tried to
But can’t get it through
I need to
God is all I’ve found
Can’t get the hell off the ground
Out from under my feet

It’s like I’m reaching for a hand to help me up…like I’ve stumbled or my legs just don’t work right. I just need to get out from under and maybe it’ll all work out. But I don’t see anyone, or maybe it’s just dark or I’ve gone blind. There’s nothing, and nothing is changing, and nothing is getting better. No, instead it all get’s just slightly worse from day-to-day. Not because there is more to hurt me, but just because things get no better and time moves on without me.

So this is how it feels, you sucker
And you’ve had too much to say
But it’s over now
You’re finally going down
Alone, alone

True? Or Not? Alone? I’m sure people will say it isn’t, and there are probably people who would say that it is. I just don’t know. Or rather, I do know…in my head. There are plenty of people with these difficulties and worse. It’s trying to convince the ache in my heart that has not been working.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And now, as he stood beside a bleak sea feeling trapped and already defeated, he knew himself to be alone in a malevolent universe, bereft of friends and purpose, a useless, sickly anachronism, a fool brought low by his own indufficiencies of character, by his profound inability to believe wholly in the rightness or the wrongness of anything at all. He lacked faith in his race, in his birthright, in gods or men, and above all he lacked faith in himself."

~ Michael Moorcock from "Sailor on the Seas of Fate"

…And who can give a person back his faith in himself? Who can retrieve what you lost on your own?

I don’t know who will read this. It’s not important anyway. Whatever. Just me letting some stuff out…trying to relieve some pressure you know? I don’t think I’m going to hurt myself today. I just need to stop thinking……………..

………….because I am empty of answers.