…first page, first blog…much needed, as talking to myself when you live with someone is frustrating – and ..a little weird…
My mood is low…very low, think of the 3 worst things to happen to your life in the space of one day -barring death of you or a loved one- I had them ALL on Monday…
…we're moving House…ah, no we're not, because the buyer pulls out 2 days before exchanging!
….car is really coping with moving all of our belongings, very proud of i……oh nuts..it's broken!
…running up and down stairs 30 times in a day is good fitnes…OUCH – my knee's popped!
..and there we are – what the fuck have I got to be happy for? Monumental depression looming..?
…no..it's here – Black dog has arrived, and is barking his chuffing head off!
Yesterday morning – Tuesday – all hell broke loose in my head -like something just popped, had a MASSIVE breakdown, barked at my wife, again, which I really hate doing as she is recuperating herself from an operation – but my depression is in full swing, and there is no stopping my mouth when it's on fire -felt the full-on-suicidal-want-to-give-up-on-life-feeling- …now, I do not say this flippantly, as I know as I'm writing this, there are people in much worst states going thru a much stronger block of depression right now – at this minute – feeling suicidal, like the only emaotion available to you is death…the numbness…the dark…looking in a mirror and seeing that look in your eyes…and you know it's got bad…because that look – the one I will remember forever …is the look of lost hope…that point all depressives dread..the end of life..
…and I've only known this feeling twice before in my entire 45 years – and I know the exact date when they happened – that's how bad it got…and I've no idea how I brought myself back – beacuse I'm still here, kicking, living and breathing….butI can't understand why – because the fear, the dread, the dark thoughtis still here…but then…so am I…that must mean there is something to live on for?
…and why…why is it, as soon as you dry your eyes, wipe your nose – and look in that mirror again – you instantly feel ashamed? …absolutely ashamed of yourself for feeling so weak, when you've held it in for so long – all the pain, contorted and twisted and pushed up inside you…then you let it ALL go, like a bath overflowing…then it runs out, you stop heaving.. you take a breath – and there it is…and you HATE yourself for it – even worse than before…so you look in that mirror again…and you look different…and you see yourself…with a sneer, so much self-loathing.." I hate being you" you find yourself saying to …you.
…and that's where I am right now…disappointed…with myself…with people- everyone…with …life…