cause its a pussy. Im tired of feeling like this. Im taking a shower today. I have an interview for a hall director position tomorrow. 

3 hours of sleep, one 10Cal energy drink, one apple, one small chicken leg and thigh, though I asked for breast. one scoop mac and cheese, one scoop stuffing, 1/3 of my Dt. Coke. 4 small pretzel shapped trees with frosting. I feel like a fatty. 

Hearing Jim Jones speak frightens me. 900 people, men, women and children. Do you think they are happy? I’m not sure. I have fucked up thoughts, but I don’t WANT to die…. I think. We are always afraid of what we don’t know. Would it be more peaceful? the body is less tourmented. Do I have a soul? I never questioned that before. I always knew the answer was yes, even when I stopped believing in "God." Lately I’ve been thinking of going back to my Bible, but I know I will only find half-truths of man; not the divine being it claims to represent. I think being with J was good today. he held me and I RESTED. I wasn’t resting when I slept. I hardly do now. It took an effort to sleep. May be I am too needy. I want some one to rescue me. I don’t love him but he serves his purpose, and after a while that turns into "love." I love A; but he’s leaving the country for 4 years. its his dream. I almost want to run away with him. But I know that means a different education, it means living in a place where I don’t know the language; where I have no familiar ties. I’m going now to shower and clean.