It hard to trust anyone. Friends come and go, love and relationship seem to fly by over the years and thinking back on all the times I got hurt, by the power of words really struck me today.
I have finally got to the point in my life that I'm sick of piling all the emotions inside. The anger builts so strong that it built a wall that I feel now I have to take down brick by brick. My one friend told me that " That I build walls to see who cares enough to tear them down"
WoW that hit me! I feel everytime I'm about to open up I'm holding the bricks in my hands looking either to hide behind them or to destroy them into peices in hope that I may find some peace. But I always leave peek holes so whenever I get angry or just had enough abuse I can shoot out my bullets of firing words that could shock my mother.
How is it that I can find all the words in my head to say but never have courage to say them because of the fear of getting hurt. The pain of holding back just has tore me up inside that I feel that I want to scream, cry do anything to make this fear go away. I fight myself and the demons I live with everyday. I want friends, but afraid to open up because feelings you said can turn into a dog that bites you in the ass. I want to lose control just for one day to see the feeling of freedom ring inside my soul that I never want to shy myself back behind the walls that I have built all my life.
But the fear is so overwhelming that I cant take the step without that rock tumbling down the mountain with my foot hanging over the edge and believing I have faith enough to take another step.