Communication has always been difficult. There are two walls to climb. Short of free speech at physical(verval-aural) and mental level. At physical level, I have a speaking problem, though it could be attribued to some unrecognized mental issues. It\'s quite sickening that I have serious stuttering issues, and are quite stressful and frustrating. I lost a few jobs due to, but not strictly my difficulty of speaking, but my inability to know what I can actually perform adequately (rather than what I want), and lack of thinking ahead (trying not to think about reality, dreaming that the problem will someday fade away).
Now I\'ve hit a new low in my life, and dizzy with shame that I can actually speak English better(only relatively though, as you can see) than my mother language, in which I have more trouble getting myself idea across. It\'s further aggreviated by the fact that I have removed myself from all contacts in my past life and not quite meeting new people either.
As much as I hate making excuses over my weakness and cowardice, the fact seems to be that it is not mainly this physical layer of things that is causing so much difficulty, but it\'s rather mental, namely, the way I articulate my thoughts, putting them in the right order, and expressing efficiently so that people listening will comprehend what I\'m saying.
This has been difficult, even without my stuttering, I always say things that often reult in awkwardness, and often offence. It\'s been my character to be simple and straight (though, I believe I have some base standard), with as little insinuations and randaboutness as possible. I myself hate manipulative wordings the worst. However, at the same time, I am not confrontational, and if I can, I prefer not turning them against me. Later I re-think of what I said, sometimes I can see why vaguly, but often can\'t see what has happened.
So lately I\'ve become over-critical of every word, trying not to be too unique or strange. Though my wierdness cannot be hidden for long, I\'m always in full damage control mode from the start. What is worse, there is a major conflict between my desire to be silent and disire to speak.
If I remain silent, it is awkward. If I speak to fill the silence, then by what I say or how I say, it becomes equally awkward. God, nowadays every word sounds very awkward even to myself. Is this the seed of insanity? I am over-critical of my own thoughts. I must relax.
well there was this compromise. since I can\'t really bear the pressure to remain silent, I speak in torrents. If I say things without careful framing, its much easier, but of course, with high risk. So then I have to follow up with series of disclaimers, saying I didn\'t mean that, maybe that, I may be wrong, blah blah blah, all of which I know is pointless and another example of self-depriciation. As much as I wish to be simple and precise in theory, It\'s not really easy thing to do finding the right words under pressure, and even if I did, often I can\'t utter the word so I need to find alternative word.
More cover ups leads to more cover ups. It\'s like a bad crime. Gosh I sometimes wish I was brave enough to proclaim to society(but not to myself, hopefully…) that I\'m a true idiot and let me be.
Sorry for bad writing …bleh another one