I’ve been struggling for a long time. Every time I get to where things start to look up or I feel better, something in my life is all, oh no you don’t! and knocks me back in my place.

I hate this place.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m jealous of suicidal people.

THEY have a way out. THEY have an end they can look forward to. THEY can do something about the hell they’re living in, something permanent and real. (no I’m not saying this is actually a good thing, as I am well aware that it is not, but I’m jealous anyways) THEY can make plans and dream of an end to the madness.

What can I do?

nothing.

as per freaking usual.

And I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t want to have to adult. I don’t want to spend my life in misery. I don’t want to deal with deadlines and rules and regulations and policies. I don’t want to have to deal with schools and bills. I don’t want to have to pick up messes other people make. I don’t want to be alone all the time.

I HATE being a mom. Yes. Yes I actually do.

Oh, sure, I love my kids. I just hate parenting them. And I loathe being the maid. And it pisses me off to be in trouble for shit I didn’t do, wasn’t there to see, and can’t prevent from happening again.

I hate having to deal with the schools. I hate having to deal with “behavior issues”. Don’t fucking call me to the school to yell at me. Oh, no one is yelling here, ma’am. Don’t talk to me about fucking semantics. Call it what you will, I’m being yelled at for my kid… doing what exactly??? What was her heinous crime this time?

LSAT TIME IS WAS BRADING HER HAIR IN THE BATHROOM DURING LUNCH SO DON”T TELL ME YOU FUCKING PEOPLE ARE SERIOUS ABOUT MY CHERNS’ EDUMACAYSHUNS.

And I can’t even parent her. Trust me, kid, I know what panic attacks feel like because I get them too, where do you think you get them from?? but I still need to be able to fucking …. PARENT her. I can’t get mad, cause that sets her off. And what could I do that would be effective anyway? Take away the few things that make her life worth living? Yeah. Great plan. She the only other one in the house besides me who WANTS a clean place, so punishing her with chores isn’t… I mean, she volunteers to help me… or yells at me because of other people’s messes and I just LOVE being yelled at for shit I’ve tried to fix for most of my life but it’s other people’s shit and you can’t fix other people.

If I were capable of parenting my husband, well, maybe we wouldn’t be in this literal mess, but what can you do when you live with a man? Men fucking suck.

Does he bring home a paycheck? Yes. Ok, then what more can you expect from a man???

Uh, well, fuck you. I make just as much money as he does (for now)…. and only this past year has his pay increased to my level.

Money or not, I damn well expect you to wipe your ass, clean up your spills, put food away that you took out, without me having to remind you to breathe in, breathe out… I MEAN BASIC LIVING EXPECTATIONS. I don’t ask for much. I shouldn’t have to ask at all!!!!

And I just… I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to parent. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to come home to a filthy house because the person with whom I have chosen to spend my life is an absolute dumpster. I don’t want to deal with traffic or commercials or cooking or cleaning or entertaining the fucking puppy that I didn’t want in the first place.

I JUST DON”T WANT ANY OF IT ANY MORE.

But…

I want to live.

I want to LIVE, though, you see, and That Right There is the difference.

Survival mode sucks. Being barely functional sucks. Being the strong person fucking sucks.

I want to just be able to live without being responsible for what some other people have done. I want everyone to just … Be Good, without requiring me to police their daily lives.

I want to be able to quit this life the way you quit a shitty job to go look for greener pastures. I WANT GREENER PASTURES!!! I want to be able to YERN for them, to have some kind of goal towards which I am putting all this effort. Just bailing out the constantly flooding boat is not getting me anywhere. It just makes me wish I could give up and drown.

I don’t want to die. I have no desire to end my life. None whatsoever. I just… I don’t want to live THIS life anymore.

I quit.

Or, I wish I could.

guess I’ll just do it all again tomorrow. and the next day. and the next…