Trust and patience are definitely two things that do NOT come natural to me. So, of course, they're two things that I consistently have the opportunity to learn. Ain't God funny.
Being here has been one of the most intense exercises in trust and patience I've ever had. Patience, every day, when the clock starts to slow down and cigarettes run short. Patience, when the new guys get here and start to change every way of doing things that has worked for us the whole time we've been here. Patience, when you can't get in touch with anyone back home and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in anger. Trust, when someone you love so dearly is so far away wnd contact is so limited. Trust, when she wants to go out with her friends and you know you won't hear from her again until the next day, or the next. Trust, when you give a part of yourself to someone to hold until you see them again – whenever that may be.
It's a struggle, especially without the intense personal support I've come to rely upon back home. I've spent days white knuckling nonstop, waiting for that email from my sponsor, or someone else in the program. Prayer helps, a lot, but sometimes you just need that personal face-to-face feedback, your shit reflected off of someone else's experience, strength and hope.
I guess I could share some of the good things that have come out of this! Being here has allowed me to redirect a lot of my finances into some debt I've needed to pay off for a while. While I'm here I don't have to pay car insurance, utilities, and a couple of other things. That has allowed me to pay off a LARGE amount of debt I've accumulated. It's not that I'd been putting it off on purpose, it's just hard to finish paying off as much as I had when you go from a dual income to single income with as little warning as I had, and the debts don't change. As hard as it is to be here, it's still become a part of my program! 9th step anyone?? I'm on track to have everything paid off except for the mortgage by the time I get home. No car note, no credit cards, no sig. loans, nothing. Now THAT is a good feeling! I wonder what I'd be spending my money on right now if I hadn't gotten sober and changed my life around? Hmm . . .
Aah. It's mother's day. There's only a few hours left for me, I'm about 8 hours ahead of folks back in the states, at least where I'm from. I sent my mom a gift, she loved it, I'm going to use the last coule of minutes on my phone card to call her up in a little while when I know she's home from church. Can't wait!
Ok, enough for now, I have to go do one of those "precision" jobs that leaves you numb from the neck up. I have to change the pages in a book. One . . . at . . . a . . . time . . . Don't ask, lol.