What day is this Wednesday… Monday I had group. From what I can remember I was hyper that afternoon and my ocd was being an asshole to me.
Monday night at work my ocd was acting up bad. Stupid ***** showed up too. She makes me nervous because she likes to instigate things. Which she tried to.
Tuesday about 4 am I was in an angry mood. I cut myself. Not deep just on the surface. Something I haven't done in about two years. (Surface cuts) It felt good. Too good. I've been wanting to do it again. But I won't because most of scars have healed and it took years for them to and lots of money on Mederma. Last bad one I did was when my grandpa passed away, four years ago. (Deep cuts)
Anyway, I did it because Cirena made me mad… Now I don't know if I should trust her. Which is shitty.
I kept screaming at her to go somewhere else. That I was leaving and to leave me alone. That I didn't like her anymore. I feel bad. Because I use to do that every other day and I told her I didn't mean it. That I would work on not doing that and when I do, do it to ignore me. But I just snapped. I guess I still have my slip ups. Which the cutting thing was to stop me from doing it. And it worked for the most part. It just drained me. I'm a bad person.
Tuesday night I was tired and didn't feel like going to work. So I drank an AMP it woke me up for a while.
And now it's Wednesday… I'm more or less chill I guess. I still don't feel like getting ready for work. I just want to sit my lazy ass at the computer and play a video game or watch tv all night long. But I'm not tired. I just don't feel like doing anything. My ocd is on the down low.
As of right now I don't know exactly how I feel. Just bored and chilled.
One nice thing I've found about this forum is that we all understand, and for me to tell you please don't cut would be a bit hypocritical. I scratch my itches too. I don't cut, but I understand the impulsion to make you do it. I would urge you to consider the feelings of those around you when you cut. Maybe thinking how the people who love you would feel if you did it, and let the feeling of making them happy or not making them sad supercede your desire to harm. In the end, it's just about feeling better.
I don’t even know if what I felt was pain. All I know is she made me mad. I screamed at her. She went to work. Then I cut myself. And yes it is a release when I cut from all the angry thoughts and disappointments.
I did stop to ask myself how would what I am about to do make her feel, and it made me more mad. I didn’t cut as soon as the thought popped into my head. I waited until she went to work. Because I knew she would try to stop me, like she has done in the past. So I just threw things around and was thinking until then.
Then I had thoughts (That I would NEVER do) about killing myself. Such as who would show up… Would anyone really miss me??? But I didn’t dwell on them long. And no I never have cut with the intent to kill myself.
I only get like this when I’m stressed or trust is broken.
I’m good now. Really. No more cutting. Atleast until I snap again. Maybe I won’t even do it then. It just depends on my ability to stop and think and which direction to go at the time it’s happening. Those “feelings” are much more easy to control then the OCD thoughts and “feelings”. I have little to no control over those most of the time. Even though it seems to have take a back seat when I get like this.
I am also awear cutting and the killing myself thoughts contradicts my reasoning for rituals. Which leaves me dumbfounded.
But I’m chill now.
And thank you both for the advise!