I'm completely lost. I don't know what I want to do with my life. It seems like almost every direction I followed in the past turned out to be not the way I wanted to go after all. So, I feel like I can't trust my own instincts anymore because, 9 times out of 10, they only seem to lead me (eventually) where I don't want to be.

I've been wondering whether it's better to go in a wrong direction than no direction at all. Right now I'm going nowhere… I'm afraid of picking a direction and having it not work out like all the other times. I know deep down that it's better to at least do SOMETHING and not just sit on my ass, paralyzed with fear of what MIGHT be and feeling sorry for myself. I just wish making wrong decisions/going in wrong directions in life wasn't so expensive, time-consuming, and humiliating. I mean, all that I have to show for myself at this point in my life is a lot of debt, wasted time, and accumulated low self-esteem from continually disappointing others and myself. The embarrassment I feel whenever anyone asks what I've been doing with myself is beyond horrible and more than a little painful. So, I've gotten into the habit of avoiding meeting new people or talking to old friends to save myself from this hell. But, of course, I realize avoidance only makes things worse in the long run.

I hate the way I'm feeling right now, the way I've felt for years: I feel like I'm not living up to others' expectations or my own (and it's not like they're particularly high ones…). I've always felt like a screw-up compared to my friends, my family (my father in particular*)… and practically everyone else. At least everyone has been/is polite enough not to let me know up front that I'm a major disappointment to them. But sometimes I don't know which is worse… being told to your face that you're a f-ck up or nobody saying anything and you're always imagining that you're sensing what everyone is thinking behind their curtain of politeness without ever actually knowing how they feel. (God, life would be so much simpler if I could only learn how to not give a crap what other people think. But, of course, I don't know how to do or how to learn how to do that.)

*My dad has four college degrees, has written and published a book, was a college professor for 30 years, was a college president for 2 years, knows 7 languages, has built 3 houses (one of them almost completely by himself), can play guitar and violin… he's even ambidextrous and knows how to speed read… oh and on top of all that he's tall, athletic, handsome, witty, and popular. And then here I am…. I can't finish one college degree (I can't even finish a one-year certificate), have problems getting and keeping jobs, have difficulties making and maintaining friendships, horrible at learning new languages, not athletically or musically inclined, not very witty, a slow reader…. in fact, the only things I can think of that I even REMOTELY have going for me is that I'm tall, not bad looking, and I can draw pretty well…. but, realistically speaking, my drawing isn't good enough to be anything other than a hobby… Let's face it — I'm not very good at doing ANYTHING (except complaining about and avoiding life!)… At my very best, I'm mediocre.


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