Ive been thinking about L alot this week. While I will never understand her or her actions, I did love her. She was my sister who suffered a horrible lifelong illness, that could not always been seen by the outside observer, but I was there to see the pain, both physically and mentally. I watched her struggle at times, she would never admit defeat in any way. , she would struggle to do things that put her in bed on morphine for a week rather than ask for assistance or accept assistance when it was offered. She would get downright ugly if you tried to make or coerce her into letting you do anything for her, to ease her load Nothing I can think of or do now will take away what we shared in life and I try not to let the final years darken my memories although that sometimes is really very hard as she was quite viscious toward the final breakdown of our relationship.

In the meantime none of that is helping me deal with this depression, today I did education for work, and have now come home with a headache that is lifting my head off my shoulders. I could easily take something and go to bed but I would rather write this and get it off my chest. Last night again I was thinking of ways to stop this constant nagging at me saying I am stupid and useless and unwanted and then when I couldnt think of any argument I agreed with the person on my shoulder and went to sleep crying for the positive and outgoing friendly person I used to be. Where did I go? when did I become this pathetic shell of myself? At work I have stopped helping other staff when they do something wrong or dont know something, because I have been caught several times now trying to help and they take it the wrong way and say I am harrassing them. I dont undertand some people that think they know it all and I certainly would not want to be nursed by some of them. So getting back to the point I have learned to keep my mouth shut which then makes me look stand offish. I cant win it seems.

Im reading back what I have written and to me it reads like a pity party, poor little me. I may just go to bed and finish this damn day off, Nothing is getting better sitting here afterall. I wish my T would get back. at least she gives me an idea of where my head is at.


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