I don't know what to do, I wish I didn't have this ego. My ego trips me up so much. I just don't want to care what people think. I don't want to worry about my looks anymore. I want to be free of all of that shit. I think suicide is also inviting because it frees you of your body. I want to be free of the body that disappointed me in looks and in mental health.

I hate Facebook because of everyone knowing everyone else's business. I hate how crazy I can become on there. And I hate feeling like I have to prove myself.

I contacted people that used to know me and Kyle and I didn't want to do that. Now I'm worried and of all the shallow things put my picture back up, because what if he sees it? I want him to see it, but then again, it will do nothing, may even disgust him. Or just make him laugh.

I've considered myself a plaything/sex toy for so long, how do I just give that up and grow old gracefully? I started life as an ugly duckling, grew into this petite sex pistol, and now I am past my prime.

I worked to hard to be beautiful and sexy, but I never truly thought I was. Even at my best. I always felt ugly. I never felt hot, I never felt truly pretty, the closest I got to feeling beautiful was the year (early 2007) when Ciaran, Kyle, Adam, J, and John were all interested in me at once. I didn't know what to do about it. I wasn't used to it. And in the end they all know the truth anyway "She's crazy."

But often, I knew Kyle's eyes would never stay on me. He is a dancer and I will tell you what, straight male dancers are the smartest people on the planet. Because what are they constantly surrounded by? Female dancers! Some of the best looking girls alive.

So then and there I knew I was fucked. Not literally. Ha.

So anyway, I put my pic back on FB, the one where I am in my bra, skivvies and thigh-high boots. I don't like having it out there. I feel so open to the public and not in a good way. I didn't even want to put those pics up there but I felt pressed, challenged by the younger girls.

I feel like a show pony that grew old and gray and I still look ok sometimes, but my youth time is ending so fast… God I don't know what to do. I want to stay away from social networking entirely, but I dont' want to just be remembered as crazy, I want to be remembered as someone who had a life too, someone who likes sex just as much as the next person. Someone who is fun and a partier and awesome to be with. Not just some mental case.

But really I am a mental case, and I'm growing old. I don't want to go back to FB, I don't want them to laugh anymore at me. And I know there's nothing I could ever do to seem beautifulagainto the one person who I hold so dear.

2 Comments
  1. kallie 10 years ago

    Hello Dear, I feel the pain in your words.  I hope you will take solace that we are here for you.  If you don't mind, I would like to pass on the advice that a very real straight forward roomate told me, she said to stop basing my existance on my past, my job, men, or what other people think.  Although I felt she was being a bit cruel at the time, those words have stuck with me for nearly 20 years.  I am quite sure that many, many people do not see for the  the bad things that you see in yourself, you ARE the awsome person that is fun to be with.  Age is something to be embraced as you are much wiser than you once were, there is no competing with the younger hotties, we don't need to, we were in their shoes at one time and they will be in ours, hopefully as wise as we are.  Be the strong intelligent woman that you are and others will admire you for your confidence.  Take Care of yourself, if you would like to, friend me and I will gladly accept.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    I think it may be helpful to turn to intellectual pursuits. Philosophy, Balancing ones life.  I agree that it is immature to compete with young women as a sex toy. It also occurs to me that being a sext toy cannot be a satifying existence, since it is based on fleeting passion. This type of passion is usually fueled by the excitement of new and unknown.  There is no depth or longevity.  As for the ego, turn it in another direction.  Try being proud of your mind.  Develop it.  There are many exciting discoveries in intellectual pursuits. These do not diminish with age, but youth is not forever and older women are desired because of the history they have with a partner, or because they are interesting and full of life. Life is a journey, but it is one way, the body just does not remain youthful forever.  If I may say so, the concern with facebook seems so adolescent. I do not wish to offend you.  Think about it.  lol

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