A lot has happened over the past year or so. September 22, 2010 my father passed away and that was extreamly hard to take. I'm still trying to cope with it. December 24, 2010 my boyfriend proposed to me, I accepted. But since then things between us are not that great. I always question wheather we should be together or not and all these fears and reasons I believe we shouldn't be together and won't work all come true when I try to talk to him and express my feelings about it. He just doesn't seem to care and when I'm really down and crying he just makes everything worse by just sitting there staring at me not instienctivly comforting me and/or fighting with me. It brings me down even more. Now my grandmother is sick and everything that's going on with her is in the same time frame as my father and it brings back memories. It's not only hard for me but also my mother and I'm trying to be strong for her but I don't know if I can be strong enough anymore. Basically everything is just falling apart and I'm falling further into that black hole I barly came out of. I'd rather just rid myself from this world and be done with it. But fearing for my soul's destiny I don't have the courage to do it. It gets more and more tempting each day I fall and sometimes I wish I had the courage to do it. But as you can see I'm still here. I just wish there was something for me to hold onto, some sort of glimmer of hope. Something that would come my way and make things better. I hate feeling like this, I hate hurting like this. I don't want it anymore.

2 Comments
  1. RandomGirl 11 years ago

     I can tell you are in a lot of pain and turmoil. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this. Keep writing about it, it helps you make sense of your feelings. This is a great place. Everyone is supportive- I have never had one negative or semi-negative thing said to me. 

    There are no easy answers or quick fixes. OCD, anxiety, and depression are life long conditions and they have their up's and down's. You're obviously on a down now, maybe even feeling like you've bottomed out. Please find one thing and hold on to it, literally and figuratively. Do you ahve a dog or cat that you love and who loves you unconditionally? A best friend or family member? A teddy bear from when you were a kid? A hobby that you love? "Hold on to it" and tell yourself "this is something that no one can take from me. Something that makes me feel good." Please try.

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  2. noodle-skadoodle 4 years ago

    Im really sorry about your dad. My grandma passed away recently so I can sympathize with how your feeling. My mom also is under a lot of stress. I live in a place where pets arent allowed but I do have a bunch of plants that I grow and it helps me feel better and it helps me feel needed and relevant not like im just drifting from place to place. They calm me down and distract me. Anyways find your reason to be happy and never let it go even if it’s something small. And try to look for small miracles everywhere. I hope things get better soon.

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