Well, here I go with entry #2, and am wondering what the responses will be from those who have come here and read #1 and now this entry.
Thinking and wondering about lots of things that happen/have happened and trying to put some kind of perspective on just what it is that I am doing, why I do it, it's results (both ways) and what it all means, ultimately, to myself, and to those around me.
As I said elsewhere, where this "came from" I have long wondered. I wonder just how/where this behavior started….
Abused by one parent, and loved greatly by the other…
Father died when I was 10, and I felt deserted, and left alone with my abusive mother. Was not allowed to have friends, playmates, etc., and not allowed to leave the yard, so, my friends became something else….my records, if you will, took that role…they were always there for me, always entertained me, never let me down, etc.
Was this the root of it?
In school, I discovered great literature, etc., and books became more "best friends", and they took me places, showed me things, that I could not experience in my "prison" if you will, at home.
Movies, ah, yes…another "great escape" medium….
So, taken together, it begins to look like Greg is escaping his loneliness, boredom, and the sting and hurt of the abusive treatment, and neglect, which have been visited on him by his mother, and, of course, greatly misses his dad, who literally, was a saint to him.
Studies incessantly, reads incessantly, etc., in school, and graduates near the very top of his class…goes on to graphics/printing school, and graduates #1 in his class. Starts first job, and in 2 years becomes foreman of the shop. Leaves after 8 years, and goes out of state to a super job, tripling his income. Moves on, and up, every few years, always increasing his income and the status and talent/abilities…it seems the guy can make no mistakes, ever onward and upward.
Money is no object, it just seems to flow in….new cars, trucks, motorcycles, lots of art, sculpture, new home(s), more recordings, films, and books than you can count, etc., successful at gardening and landscaping, creating things, etc….the guy is on top of the world….
and then…1993, July…the end of a 22 year relationship, on a VERY nasty and ugly note…
and then…in October…the loss of the home, and everything put into it, including the profit, etc., from the first two places…
and, then, 1994, June…fired from my $127,000 a year job in a bit of unforgettable, and unforgivable nastiness…I am STILL trying to get over this wicked, evil, deed.
I was devastated with this third blow all within a year, and had a nervous breakdown, and in truth, locked myself in my apartment and went nowhere except the grocery store…and, you guessed it…the bookstores, music shops, and video stores…
I was being "medicated" by my counselor, but not given therapy, for over a year! SHAME on him! SHAME! My druggist, a real nice man, finally convinced me to go and get help elsewhere, and I did. Meds were changed, and I was in therapy, and things sort of got "easier or a little more leveled out".
I moved to another state, as there was NO work for me anymore…and I had run through my savings living for 18 months with no income. Work continued in a succession of downward spiraling jobs, where I worked continually harder for less and less with every successive switch…(my job was being taken over with computers, and my services were needed less and less), eventually, 2000 comes and ends, and on Jan 11, 2001, I got my walking papers for the last time…I was declared disabled by my doctors (back/spine) and began collecting my disability, which is not much, but it is do-able if I "stay inside the lines"…meaning don't go nuts with the collections!
NOW, I know this is very long…
I do NOT shop because of depression (which I do, of course, suffer from) I do not think…in other words, when I'm depressed I go out to "buy" things….it is not like that, I do not believe…but read on, process what I've said, and please reflect back to me, if you would…
MUSIC purchases…the majority of which, now, are of old, rare, and out-of-print recordings…whether they be opera, other classical, or old folk, blues, country, etc….these recordings are very difficult to obtain…in some cases I have scoured the internet for weeks and finally found perhaps one new copy ONLY doing a nearly world-wide search! *
My collection was long ago filled with many, many, various recordings of specific works, etc., in some cases, like Beethoven's "Fidelio", I have 27 different recordings of this opera…this is common throughout my complete collection….
I am no longer interested in "more" recordings generally speaking…what I AM interested in, are the rare, out of print, recordings of SUPERLATIVE performances (opera and classical) that are now not, and will not be available again….the record companies are stripping their catalogues, and will never again produce or stock these recordings…the word is already floating around that cds will cease here shortly, and music will be strictly a download-type-thing….YUCH! Just think, no more documentation, notes, cover art, background information or history….fits right in with today's THROW-AWAY world, doesn't it!?
BOOK purchases…these are greatly curtailed these past couple years…while I still do read prolifically, I seem to buy very few books today, as compared with a couple years ago. So, this area does not bother me much at all.
MOVIE/DVD purchases…again, not nearly as many as once, but still a few…usually, per my "MO" only a very few "current" things, mostly old, hard to get items, and old classic movies as they come out.
Somebody mentioned "hoarding"….is that what this is? (somehow, I don't think so)…..If I were hoarding, I think I would still be buying lots of stuff other than the rare oop stuff…no?
I think I buy the current stuff (the rare, oop recordings) because it is relevant, valuable as a document and/or testament back when singers got on and by from their talent, not created and marketed as today. Thus, these disappearing recordings are valuable for what they ARE (not what they cost).
I feel like I am creating a library, which represents "me" if you will, and those things I revere and value…what does one call this??? hoarding?
The popular "old" recordings that I add to the collection, are done as "flashbacks" if you will back to special times and memories from my younger days, whether some from childhood or my early and mid-adulthood….what does one call this??? hoarding?
The same with movies/dvds…things (films) that are valuable, have meaning to me, that illustrate, or touch me, make me feel good, satisfy me…what does one call this??? hoarding?
So, this is the problem, sort of in a nutshell, with this added twist…
I'm on a very limited income…every dollar spent on this stuff cuts into money for the following:
rent, groceries, medicines, operation of my auto, (gasoline also), the care of my two pets, my telephone and other utilities, clothing, laundry, entertainment (which currently does NOT exist…other than the "purchases of entertaining things" that I make), and my other assorted monthly bills.
I keep telling myself that I will stop soon, just after these next few "necessary" ones…of course, there are more and more "necessary" items looming on the horizon, faster than I can "buy the ones before them"…so it is greatly self-defeating, self-sacrificing (financially, at least), and seems to lead nowhere except to an apartment that gets fuller and fuller of things that I have no time to listen to, watch, or read, because I am spending my time searching for those "last few" things that I so desperately need….!!!!
WHAT is this? HOW do I cure it? WHERE do I find help? I keep telling myself if I could only find a decent partner/mate, then all this would stop because I would, at last, have someone to SHARE all this with…you need to know that…I am a great believer in "sharing" it is like a key piece to my makeup…and yet, I seem never to find anyone who is interested in sharing…the last person I let close to me was stripping my shelves behind my back and selling the stuff for cigarette money!
OK, END OF ENTRY…
Is this too much info to digest, analyze all at once, or not…
WHAT do YOU, personally think of all this, and what do you think the problem is and what is/are the solution(s)…
Eager to know,
* Now, I realize, and recognize, I think, that part of all this is "The Thrill of the Hunt" if you will…how could it not be, considering everything? But there must be a line, somewhere, between that and what the item actually represents/or its value to me. But, Where, How, do I recognize and draw the line between sensible and stupid? True VALUE or just MORE STUFF?