Well, here I am, at entry #1
This will get better, and easier, I am sure, as time goes on…I always find it tough trying to "start" things like this. It's the same way with a blank canvas…sometimes they are pretty daunting until you get enough "stuff" on them to hide their blank faces…..
OCD….where it came from, and how I ever "got it" is a mystery to me, a deep one, that I work daily at to keep it from making my life a total ruin…
Precariously balanced, it seems, nearly always at the very edge of the brink, but luckily, I have not managed to slip over into the financial ruin that awaits me if I do not SOMEHOW conquor and curtail this out-of-control behavior.
If you have read my profile in depth, you will see that I am an avid collector of music (and of all types)….this is very convenient for my OCD behavior, because if I go to the music store or on amazon, looking for a specific opera recording and do not find it, then, with the range of my taste in music, instead of just leaving the store, I keep browsing throughout all genres of recordings, and GUESS WHAT??? There's NO WAY that I am not going home with at least ONE recording from SOMEWHERE in the store, and odds are I've got a whole armload of them. I used to go into Tower Records and drop $1,200 at a clip…and a couple days or a week later, another $700 or so….
With further reading, yo will also see that I am an avid dvd collector (before that, laserdiscs, and before that vhs tapes). The same degree of acquiring goes on here, as well, that accompanies the music collecting.
And, again, my tastes run the gamut of film, except blood-bath type horror. So, once again, there is NO way I will walk out of the store without at least one dvd, and again, usually $200-300 worth at a clip.
Reading further, you will see that books are also a passion, so, I guess you can guess where this paragraph goes, too….right?
Now, here is the kicker…
I am disabled, and retired with a bad back and cannot stand or sit for very long periods of time, making it impossible for me to work. Also, factor into this the results of 20+ years of out of control, and untreated depression, and one has a recipe for….ME… I used up my savings for retirement in 94 when I was in severe trouble with depression after the breakup of a 22 year relationship, followed a couple months later with the loss of my home (which had been built as "retirement money"), and 6 months after that, I was fired from my job because I was being harassed by a couple of punks because I was gay, and I threatened to sue the owners if they did not put an end to it. Their solution was to create a trumped-up tardy report on me….and they fired me. I went to the CT Labor Board, and after 7 months of squabbling, my lawyer told me to forget it, the court proceedings would cripple me emotionally and that the owners of the company were willing to sink enough money into the process to make sure they won and crushed me in the process. Even Lambda Legal was not interested in the case, because it was not "ground-breaking" enough…..so, I cashed in my retirement and lived on it for a couple years, keeping myself "shut in" for all that time, medicated by my psych, but that was it…he was not keeping up with therapy, which I desperately needed. Anyway, luckily, I had my retirement, because it did keep me safe and comfortable, clothed and fed for that time. I did, finally, seek out different treatment for my depression. And, I did find work, again, but my job function had been taken over by computers, and I never really earned enough to put me beyond just living comfortably, and jobs were short-lived, and each successive one paid less, and I got to work harder than ever for it. The end result of these intervening years was that I seriously damaged my back, and eventually with my last lay-off in 2000, I talked to my doctors, and they got me delcared disabled, and helped me get my social security/disability.
This, at last, is the point of this last section….I have no savings, nada! I live monthly on my social security, pay for my health insurances, rent, utilities, grocerys, auto upkeep and gasoline and insurance, clothing, cat food and kitty litter, and laundry and telephone. I do not have a television, I do not have cable, I do not have a "house" phone, and get by with just my cell…..
After paying my expenses, I generally do not have more than perhaps $100. left, if I am lucky that month! But, I still manage to have books, dvds, and cds….
When I "go overboard" then something else suffers….either I cut back on washing clothing, groceries, go nowhere, skip some bill, etc. The end result is this:
Nearly every month I am under enormous pressure and anguish because money is too tight, etc. It is not uncommon, after receiving my check on the 3rd, to be broke by the 10th….with money enough only for bread and milk for the rest of the month.
So, I ask those of you who read this to please contact me, and help me to somehow "work past" this behavior before it does literally "kill me". Living like this is just not fun, is not healthy, and there seems to be no progress against it, no matter how hard I try…..I may go a month and not spend anything, but then it seems that the next month I spend double so it leaves me in the same spot.
Have you wrestled with this and come out of it some, or all the way? How did you do it? What do you suggest that I do? I am looking for an OCD support group here in the area, but have not been able to locate one, and nobody seems to know about one….Boston is too far away, I cannot afford to get there.
OK, I guess this is enough for entry #1, and certainly a big piece to bite off for those of you reading this, and wanting to offer some advice/help. So, I thank you, in advance, for your time, consideration, etc. in perhaps taking an interest in my plight and perhaps offering to "help" me, whether it be just in supportive language, or real concrete ideas/theorys, etc.
I am sure each of you has his/her own thing with this OCD stuff to climb over…perhaps I can help you with yours and you can help me with mine?
Peace, brothers and sisters