Over the past week I have achieved nothing, and it is slowly starting to drive me insane. Now that the weekend has arrived it just exacerbates the loneliness I feel. Since Thursday I have only left the house twice.
The first time was on Friday night when I just had to get out. I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but I felt sick to my stomach with frustration. I hate having nothing to do, but I don’t see a way of doing anything of value. I don’t want to waste my time filling my life with crap again – I can’t return to the distractions of the past, but I can’t see anything else. That night as these thoughts circled in my head I couldn’t stop sweating and it felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. That was what forced me out of the house. I didn’t have the motivation to walk anywhere, plus it was quite late and I could hear rather merry people returning home from my local tavern. In the end I quietly slipped into the back seat of my car, pulled my picnic blanket over myself and went to sleep.
Although I woke early I didn’t return to the house until 9 am – after Housemate A had left. Once at home I pottered around the house for a few hours and then decided that I would make some preserves. And so my second outing was a trip to the supermarket for ingredients (and treats, I really needed something sweet by that stage).
My mother came around to the house later on to drop off some jars (I didn’t have enough). She wanted to talk for a little bit, but I wasn’t really in the mood. I do want to talk to her at some stage, but I don’t want her coming around to my house and pretend that she wants to make small talk.
She asked about my plans for Sister 1’s birthday. I recognise that it’s expected that the family gets together and does something but I’m not in the mood for family dinners at the moment. She explained that my father was going to make my sister dinner on Monday night and she wanted me to come along.
On Wednesday I received an email from my father. He says he wants to talk. He says that everybody keeps telling him that I don’t want to see him but he wants to see me. He says he’s confused.
I told my mother I would think about Monday but I am most likely going to decline the invitation. I find it difficult to explain the resentment I feel toward him, and the more time I spend with him the stronger it becomes.
Every now and then when you see people finding each other using the friend finder on Facebook I feel compelled to double check my friend finder to make sure I’m not missing any. This morning when I rechecked it my father’s name popped up. I had almost forgotten that I had ignored his friend request all those months ago. I don’t think I hate my father anymore. I’ve come to realise that I never hated him for myself, only because of what he did to other people. However that still doesn’t mean I want him around. You can’t just drop in on people’s lives and expect them to accept you.
My thoughts are very disorganized at the moment and hence the rambling blog. It feels like I’m watching somebody else live their life instead of me living my own. Sometimes it feels as though I’m never going to be able to be who I am.
I’m not sure that makes sense.
I guess that means the sleeping tablets are working.