My sister- the most supportive person in my life- has been here this weekend and I have cut twice already- in a 3 day period! She hugged me while I cried and I told her that I cut. She drew a butterfly on my wrist and told me don't cut or you'll kill the butterfly so I told her I've only cut on my hips. I could tell she was sooo dissapointed in me. But then she forgave me told me to stop because it was stupid and that I didn't need it. So the next day I killed the butterfly. she saw it and realized that i started cutting my wrists. I am not suicidal. But I tried to stop and did for like a month however then for the first time in my life I started thinking of suicide. which scared me so I started cutting again.

Basically I can't understand why I still feel the need to cut even after I talk it out with her. she is the best person for this but lately i tell her and I don't feel better. I mean I do sometimes like I used to…maybe i'm just getting worse. Its been 3 years since my depression started and in april i saw the doctor who told my mom to get a psychologist who whenever I ask continually says shes working on it but isnt. She seriously told me she didn't think I needed one so she asked me if I thought I did and I said uhmm..yeah if it even gives me the slightest chance of feeling better. She said okay found out that her insurance gives us 6 free sessions and then did nothing else.

Maybe I dont need to go see someone either..I mean why bother talking it out with someone when cutting is so clearly helping? I havent cried in months (except for this weekend- wierd…) and I feel better and my depression drags me down less… and it helps plus the only added damage is worrying if someone is going to see my cuts and scars and hate me. Which I dont worry all that much cuz I just cover my wrists with bracelets and my hips with well…clothes.

I know its bad because thats what my sister keeps telling me but I can't see how its bad. It helps me stay sane helps me be happy helps me stay alive! While my sister can only point outone bad thing: the physical damage to my body. So? scars will heal and as of right now I dont plan on anyone seeing my hips…actually I plan on never being with anyone- relationships are too complicated and too much to handle for me- so who is going to see my hips and care about my scars? no one. I can't see the bad side(unless someone other than her finds out). But my sister has known about this for a month out of the 3 months i have been doing it and in the month she knew where i tried to quit i wanted so much to take my life someetimes i had to go distract myself because it hurt to know i wanted to end it but never would. I am not suicidal but it was the first time i ever actually wanted to even though i know there is no possible way I would.

So what now? she expects me to quit but I can't. She tries to support me still through this but she can't. It only makes me feel bad to know shes trying to help with these problems and its not helping me.

I guess even she can't save me now.


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