Well I guess I should start my first entry here in saying that I have been here before, not just in the place of my emotions but here on DT. I stayed for awhile in the shadows and left because I could not decide if I even belonged. So I am back under a new name but with the same problems as I had before. I know that you may change your picture, your name , your profile persona but sadly you can't change who you are, at the end of the day; you're still that same person with the same issues. So today I write to clear the places of hiding in my head, to still the voices and hopefully hold the tears and pain at bay.

So, what's so special about today? Nothing, nothing changes, everything is in the place it was. I have been having the fight today, the one inside that says to just stop and end it all. To make sure that the pain is over, the voices quite. To put myself in a place where I can not harm others but just to stop the train. In my heart I know it will serve no purpose and nothing will be better for anyone else, but in my mind I also feel that at least the voices will be still and quite.

I hate my life and where I am at and just want to get off of the ride. Sadly I know I can't, to many responsibilities that would be left for someone else, to many messes left for another and I could not rest knowing that it was my problem and I just gave it to someone else to clean up.

So like every other day, I cry just a little inside, hide from those on the outside, smile and put on my mask and trod along to the beat of a diffrent drum. So I ask myself again today as I seem to every day.

Is it worth it today? Maybe, maybe not but then again I should know they is only one answer for that. No answer 🙁

D

1 Comment
  1. proanamia 8 years ago

    I relate to what you've said SO much. I live my life for everyone else, but not for myself. I carry on because if I leave, I know I'll leave pain and messes in my wake. I understand what you're going through.You're not alone here and I hope you can find some support and new friends here at the tribe. I'm here for you.

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