I'm a lover.

I just realized that I was a lover. And I love to love. And I love to be loved. I'm exceptionally good at loving, though I won't brag.  I fight for love, I breathe, and think love.  I can't help that it draws me in, and keeps me utterly fascinated with it's wonders. It's a piece of heaven. A soft spongy center of an angel cake. It's the creamy delight of the first lick of ice cream.

Have you every been mystified when you first discover love? When you have fallen hard on your face, but for some reason it doesn't even hurt the slightest bit. And at that moment, your knees buckle, your stomach seems to disappear, and all together your tongue and throat shrink. You have this dazed look on your face, and you are unfocused and distracted all the time. Your mom catches on easily. With this bullshit line: Shes got the vapors!. Soon she'll be losing weight…

Yeah, I've been there. I've witnessed the sun rise it's brightest when your in love, and I've caught myself wailing at the moon. I wouldn't eat for days, and I would be awake for hours on end, just anticipating hearing that soft angelic voice again. Like a dog to it's owner, I would sit at the edge of the door, with my nose in the air, whimpering softly for your return. More so a rose, awaiting the next drop of rain. I breathed you, I wept for you… and still do.

Love is crazy, and can cause you to become many things. It changes you, and develops you. It alters every aspect of your life, and sometimes even alters your perception of what love is. Depending on how early you experience it, by the time you get older, you can fashion together the pieces in a neat little fabrication. But most of all, love is excruciating, its undeniable, and it happens. In the blink of an eye, it consumes the very core of your being, and bursts inside of you. Some say it's a disease, most prefer it to be an adequate emotion of a human's being.

What does it mean to me exactly? More so, what is it's purpose. Love is who I am. I love to give. I am a slave to the devil's work, and love is just that. It is the God damn devil. Love is a sin, a natural sin, that by me, has been committed an awful lot. Maybe you think: Isn't that more a long the lines of lust, rather than love? Well, isn't lust derived from the word love? Love is to indulge, it is to lust, it is to comply unwillingly to each demand it commands. Its a ruthless, and relentless killer. It effects the mind, bending and twisting every morsel. Until finally, you've been sucked dry of what ever it is it wanted in you, and leaves you to find another. And in a flash, it's gone, and out of your life. And then you think, how on earth could I live without it? Will I ever learn to love again!? *SLAP* Get a hold of yourself… You never find love. Love finds you. Like a bloody silent killer, it lurks in ever corner, hides in the darkness, and as an assassin would do, it stealthily maneuvers itself into you. AND BAM… you're at it again.

Okay… maybe its not just love that controls the being so. Some people are just naturally affectionate and flirtatious. Maybe I'm seeing this all in the wrong light… Yes, uhuh.

Love isn't all that bad. It has it's intricate, romantic, and sometimes undeniable ways.  It's the relevance of a beautiful panting. The twinkle in your eye… the flutter in your heart. And sometimes the day dreamer's sigh. It's an artistic recollection of the soul. It's the only way one can truly express his or herself. I mean, why else would we go to all the trouble to make it known.

Love can be expressed in numerous ways. From basic speech, to more sophisticated approaches. But we won't get into detail. Everyone's experience of love varies. Maybe close to none are the same. Though the experience leave scars, cuts, bruises, and sometimes even broken bones. Love seems to constantly be at battle with itself. Contradicting upon itself. Always a balance, but never exactly a whole. At least that's what I think. It never seems to be either or. One or the other, just two opposites that attract. It's a mystery. But I'll never really know the true behind it.

I guess it's for everyone's view to decide. My interpretation is not exactly accurate, or definite. But in all fairness, it take's one to know one. And I can say with all honesty and careful consideration, that I have experienced 'Love'.

And with that said, I can confirm that I am a lover.

Yes… I'd die for it. I would cut my heart out at whim, just to prove my loyalty and worthiness. Maybe I don't consider myself a slave all that much… But I am a firm believer and follower to it's power. It is a faith that drives me. And it is a drug that will soon destroy me. If and when, it hasn't already. I hate to love love. And I love to hate it. That much is true. At it's deepest and penetrating moment, it can rot away at you. But I am willing to allow that. Because I cannot turn a cheek to it's promises and lies.

….And I still love her uncontrollably. But I love again. And love is mocking me now! It says to me that I am foolish, and that it will be the conclusion of my demise. It says to me: You will not escape this guilt. What has happened cannot be undone, no matter how many times you plead innocence!

Yes.. It is true, I have defied you! I have loved once more. I have found new love! But can you blame me!? AFTER ALL… I AM A LOVER!

And the lover flocks to the love, and spreads it like wild fire, blessing it with kisses and treasures. Did you honestly think, that you could hold me prison for ever!? Hah! Maybe I am a slave to it's divinest, but I cannot be a slave to a being. Love wants me to love, and it wants me to do it over and over again, until I am nothing but a lonely pathetic has been. Until it so chooses to disown me. I am a pawn in it's never ending conquest to destroy humanity. The player, in the Game.

Oh, damn you. Damn this. Love truly is blind. It has poor judgment of me. Oh weep, oh sob. You cursed thing you… Ravaging me, taking me whole… eating away at everything that I am. DAMN YOU LOVE!

And
I
Just
Can't
Quit you!!

I will love again… and again… and again. And you will too. And I will hate it! Because love not only wants me to be seemingly satisfied, but it wants the same for you. And even though it's spell is strong, I cannot live to see you love. Damnit it all…. I want it all to myself!

Love,
Andrea

ps. I think I've gone madly inlove.

 

 this can also be seen on my deviantart:

http://punkstatikstar.deviantart.com/art/I-m-a-lover-92335548

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