…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
…why you don’t ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
…why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
…why doctors call what they do "practice"?
…why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
…why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
…why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
…why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?
…who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
…why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
…why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
…why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
…why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
…if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
…why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???….)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it’s "just" a suggestion).
On Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (…and you thought????…)
On packaging for an iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to…what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child’s superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


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