November 9 2021 (TGSS)

“tomorrow“

Waking up this morning was probably one of the hardest things ive had to do in a long time. Memories of 2017 just came flooding into my head and i couldn’t stop thinking about it all day and all i had to do was go to school as if nothing ever happened and i was perfectly fine. i had breakfast this morning even though when i felt the food in my mouth all i wanted to do was spit it out and drain my stomach with bleach. we’re learning trigonometry in math and i avoided gavin all day. lunch i didn’t eat anything again not even an apple today. science we did absolutely nothing. english we just worked on this stupid assignment. writing used to be my favorite subject and now its just another chore i have to do or get through if i ever want anything ever again. i went to health and skipped the end because nothing was happening and laughed with my friends before skipping the beginning of french class. i slumped into my seat in the middle of the room and finished my test with almost two thirds of class time to spare. i couldn’t look him in the face at all, i stared at him when he wasn’t looking my way. screaming at him in my head telling him i wasn’t ok. i wasn’t going to sit through the rest of this class just to walk silently and drag myself to the next one. i nearly threw up in my mouth, the taste of regret was constricting my throat so hard i couldn’t breathe. all i could think about was purging and crying on the floor of the school bathroom. i went to the downstairs one and stabbed my scars until they opened again and felt them rub against the denim of my jeans for the rest of class. gavin walked with me outside until i stood alone waiting for my bus again and the ride home was spent trying not to cry over stupid shit i was pulled into with a stupid freshman. then i ate a burger when i got home and i cant throw it up yet because my brother’s still awake and can hear me. its been four years since my first ever attempt and so much has changed. i got my heart broken then glued back together just to crumble again almost seven fucking times and ive moved two more times after my mom told me we wouldn’t ever again. there’s been two more times between that first one and with each one ive become more and more familiar with that disgusting feeling of waking up with the worst headache, caught in the state between life and death begging to go back to sleep before forcing myself to live life as if nothing was wrong and it was just another tuesday i went to school and made friends and ate like shit. ive been lied to, cheated on, assaulted, bruised, cut, starved, and broken down time and time again i cannot stand breathing anymore nothing makes me reach for tomorrow like it used to.