They really need to come out with a F_IT med.  I mean the whole point of medication is to enable you to be stable,  Right?  But how can that work when everytime you turn around something else is going wrong.  You look around and out of the blue your at the bottom of the revine.  You had no idea you fell that far.  Money, health insurance issues, Holidays, vehicle problems, family issues, illnesses, jobs, school, and just life. 

I was so proud of myself.  I never wanted to accept my bipolar diagnosis.  Let alone take fricken medication that causes more problems physically.  But I did so that I could climb out of it before the moods got to bad.  Thought, wow, its working.  Im stable even though things are rough.  I am actually avoiding an episode.  I can do this.  This is really going to work from all my effort.

Then I found it had slapped me in the face.  All the guilt,  All the disapointment,  All the saddness.  All the self hate.  I look around and know that if it were not for my mistakes and episodes we wouldnt be in this situation.  If I was trying much harder maybe I could make things better. 

Money is tight and my poor husband is busting his ass to keep us afloat.  If I hadn't came off the meds.  If I hadn't landed in the phosp last July.  If I hadn't racked up $25,000 dollars in medical expenses.  If I had paid more attention to the health insurance I would have seen the drastic changes.  If I did not need to continue racking up medical bills to attempt to stay stable, maybe the kids could their teeth fixed.  I tried really hard not to focus on that.  Tried so hard.  Just try to get and stay stable so it never happens again, Right? 

Im fighting the health insurance companys with appeals.  Im following their rules and got the medicare.  I have less coverage now then ever and that's after paying two different companys almost five hundred a month.  Im looking for work.  I've been applying for almost everything.  I've even sought help through local agencies.  I'm trying.  But I feel like I am floundering.

The holidays have always sucked.  Jimmy hates them.  We always seem at the lowest financaily during the holidays.  Never fails, someone in the family either gets upset at another family member or someone gets terribly sick.  I cannot afford groceries let alone Christmas.  Making dinners out of scraps left in the cupboard.  I couldn't even pay the medical  bills this month.  There ganna end up hitting Jimmy's checks and really screw us.  But theres nothing I can do at this moment in time.  The money is just not there.  So dont dwell on it, Right?

To add to the stress why not let the vehicles start breaking down.  Ya that is a good one.  Jimmy's truck has a leaking fuel injector.  $5000.00 to repair.  "Oh, and just to warn you," says the machanic.   "They will probably need repaired agian another 50,000 miles."  Nice… Now he has to beg and barrow money to fix it.  Needs a vehicle to work, Right?

Went to the kid's school confrences.  Was quite proud of myself for actually getting cleaned up and going.  I really am doing well, or so I thought to myself.  Only to leave knowing that even though they are trying so hard and improving everyday, if I worked with them they might actually be at grade level.  Missing homework…hmm, yep thats my fault.  Its still sitting here on the desk.  I cant even help my second grader with her story problems.  I have to have my fourteen year old help her.  How sad is that?  How could I get so obsorbed in stuff to not see that my children needed my help with shcool?  How could I assume they wouldn't need my help?  I need to get a rutine for them and stick to it, Right?

How easy it is to say.."Let it go, Don't stress, Try harder, Set goals, Don't overstimulate, Don't get overwhelmed."  I know Im feeling sorry for myself.  And I cannot begin to tell you how much I truly hate myself for that.  I just don't know what more I can do?


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