Till this day I still blame myself. May 26, 1997. She had a cold from hell, i was talking to her on the phone begging her to come over. My mom was stubborn and said that if i wanted to see her she had to come to me. Her as in my girlfriend Cassandra.
When she finally said yes she told me on the phone if you get sick its your own damn fault. i warned you. I love my Cassandra, this wast puppy love, this was real love. she didn't expect me to change my ways, she loved me for me, she never made fun, she never teased, she never hit me. she understood me for me. and i loved her so much. i couldn't stand not being next to her 24/7.

She lived about 4 blocks away and we lived in a gang related area. All i remember was gun shots, tiers burning out and people screaming. i ran outside to find cassandra shot, she was in my drive way, she didn't do anything wrong, it s was a drive by shooting and she was hit. she said i love you to me and that shell always be in my heart and then she died in my arms.

We were both 13 years old. I lost it. I lost everything i went nuts. it got so bad that i was placed into a mental hospital for a year. i tried to commit suicide, i tried to go to her grave site and dig her out cause in my mind she was still alive they buried her alive that's what i told myself shes alive shes just in the box trying to get free. she s not gone shes still here. I blamed myself for it. I still do. the family tried to say it was just wrong place wrong time. but i knew different.

I BEGGED HER. I WAS ON THAT PHONE THAT DAY BEGGING HER. SHE KEPT SAYING NO, BUT I KEPT BEGGING AND BEGGING TILL SHE FINALLY GAVE IN. THIS IS MY FAULT IF I HADN'T BEEN SO SELFISH, SHED STILL BE HERE.

Sometimes i wish i could change places with her. shed still be here.

Till this day i carry it on my shoulders that i killed her. people tell me i should let this go and that this is what she would of wanted. but put urself in my shoes,I BEGGED HER. think about that then tell me to forget it. i really wanna see you try.

Other people tell me That I am lying about her & she doesn't exist. Some say That I am a confused pedo who needs help. But I wonder why they say I am a pedo when I was only 13 years old & so was she.

1 Comment
  1. White_Rose 10 years ago

     OMG! I am truly sorry for your devastating loss. My heart goes out to you. I know from this blog that you blame yourself…… there is nothing anyone could say to change how you feel about that tragic day. But you didn’t kill her, you didn’t pull the trigger. I know it’s unfair…… it was her time to go. There was nothing you could do. I’m not saying let it go….. I’m saying accept it and keep her in your heart. She lives in your memory. Never let it fade. 

    and as for those calling you a pedo….. F&%$ them. 

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