2:17 pm Weekend was fun but now I am back at work and feeling a resentment and dread over having to contend with my inner work critic who overwhelms myself with constant frightening criticisms which make me feel discouraged and passive aggressive. Blogging seems to help me break out of my paralysis. I still feel overwhelmed and discouraged but at least I am making some postive movements. Reading the Scripture of the day about Tobit who takes positive action when confronted by tragedy and acts with courage. Help me God to continue to take positve action as I confront the ongoing inner tragedy that characterizes my ability to work.
I feel a sense of sadness and discouragement like I will never shake this disparaging monkey off my back. Like there is no point to try. Part of me knows that isn't right. Part of me wants to escape into addictive pursuits like surfing and looking for erotic distractions rather than work. I feel this hunger , this ache, this yearning desire for some solace or comfort but know that addictive diversions leave me feeling hollow and only temporarily soothed.
2:23 pm I get afraid of my inner critic who yells "blogging is a waste of time" i feel i can;t afford time to step back and reflect and pray but part of me knows that this is what I need. I feel constantly divided with a neurotic part of me tha is constantly trying to tear me down and a healthier side that is trying to be positive.
2:26 pm, Blogging seems to help me slow down and think or meditate a little and part of me (the neurotic side) doesnt want to pause and feel my feelings. I get in touch with this well of sadness that goes back many years. I ask God tohelp me bear my cross. I ask the Holy Spirit to come down and comfort me and give me wisdome and courage.
2::28 i know I need a higher power, Help me God to let go of my self sabotaging ways. to face the inner emptiness. thanks for the fellowship on this website.
4:15 pm finished planning my work week, that felt good to organize things. still facing the sense of inner emptiness and undeservingness, the feeling that it is wrong for me to be happy, that it is sinful for me to feel success, like i am a convicted criminal who only deserves contempt, there is a aelf loathing, a righteous self condemnation that is unrelenting and crushing. , i feel like i am im a psychic pressure cooker and feel like the weight of my welf condemnation is boring a hole into my back, like a ten ton weight slowly crushing the life out of me.
Help me God, Help me fight the pain, the anger, the resentment, the rebelliousness, the inner contempt.
again, it feels great to put pen to all these feelings swirling inside my head, it helps to get these psychic metaphorical demons out of my head and down on paper (at least for a while) and provide me with a modicum of relief.
there s a part that is screaming at myself, that is yelling "you piece of s**t" a part of me that loathes myself
4:22 pm reflecting on Matt 27:45 "My God , My God Why have you forsaken me: when Jesus was quoting fromm Psalm 22 as He lay dying on the Cross. My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me? That's how i feel, i know God hasn't really forsaken me but it feels like He has.
I feel like I am laying int the dust of death Psalm 22: 15. I feel like i can tast the dust of death in my mouth. I cry out to God,
4:25 pm, God, into your hands, I want to be able to commend my spirit, Help me!
i feel like there are invisible tentacles or ropes that keep me psychically bound and prevent me from moving forward, the tentacles are symbols or metaphors for deep rooted childrhood
just got back from running an important errand, after I got back, i got stuck with addictive web browsing, reading the news, even though it is a complete wast e of time.
writing in here, helps me to break out of the addictive spell.
part of me wants to run away and hide like an ostrich sticking my head in the sand.
part of me hates growing up and wants to be a defiant rebel
I feel depressed at the idea of leaving my hiding place and growing up. part of me really wants to avoid taking on adult responsiblities like my dad who was a defiant rebel. If I grow up and take responsiblitiy, it means leaving my identification with my dad who was very passive aggressive with advancing at workand was a self sabotager.
part of me really wants to flip the bird and say F**k you to my inner boss . I keep rebelling and destroying my work life because i haven't grown up, i 'm like a surly teenager who wants to drop out or hide in the bathroom smoking .
6:20 i feel so antsy, like i want to run away. like i am being flooded with anxiety and want to run away, the anxiety feels like a boa constrictor tightening around my neck, squeezing and crushing me.