this shall be my first blog here. certainly not the first ever. but all the “open diary” sites suck. and this place is… well… appropriate. i’ve been living with major depression for what seems like all of my life. i’m 21, and i’ve been depressed since i was 6. i am also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and a dissociative disorder. i self injure pretty severely. cut, burn, and pick mostly. spent lots of time in different psych. units (9 times so far) and am on a bunch of meds which i am really getting sick of because they don’t seem to be working very well. my sister is dead. she died in july of 2004. just 18 years old. 15 months younger then me. it’s not fair and it fucked up and i hate it. i miss her like crazy. i can’t believe it’s been 2 whole years already. each day that goes by makes my heart ache a little bit more, missing her so badly. my grandma is dead too. it’s been just over a year now. i hate that too. she was everything to me. and shes gone now. and so is my sister. they are together in heaven and left me here in this scary fucked up world. i can’t make it without them. my father left when i was 18 onths old. my sister was only 3 months. went to atlantic city for the day and never came back. never called. never wrote. never saw us. never payed a dime of child support. and now that lowlife fucking bastard is dead too. next moth it’ll be a year since he died. i hate him. i hate him for a lot reasons. but right now the biggest reason that i hate him is because he’s fucking dead. growing up, it was my mom, my sister, and me. and from when i was 6 until when i was 16, my mothers boyfriend lived with us. he hated me. was very mentally emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. that fucking bastard is dead too. he died when i was 16. he was 41. lung cancer. mom was sad. i was sad for her, but not sad he was gone. we lived in a small town, 5 minute walk to my grandmas house. then when i was 18 and in my last month of senior year, we moved to a little tiny middle of nowhere town that’s a half hour drive from where we lived all of our lives. it was a huge deal for both my sister and i. my sister never did get over it. i haven’t yet either. i think mom hates me. she doesn’t get the whole psychiatric issues stuff. she is completely unsupportive. i am on disability from work and she hates me for it. i am listening to my doctors and taking my medication, and she hates me for that too. we have a dog. her name is nugget. she’s a labradoodle. almost 2. she’s crazier then i am. we also have a cat. his name is binx. he is my baby. i love him more then i love almost anything else. i have 5 tattoos. i want more. but i’m fat and i’m running outta places to put them that would actually look nice. i smoke marlboro lights 100s and i throughly enjoy it. i will smoke til the day i die. i’m very anti drug. i have never even so much as tried pot and i never will. i’ve seen too many lives distroyed by it. not to mention, drugs are what killed my sister. i feel like shit. this is my sad, pathetic, boring, miserable life. and that’s all i have to write about tonite.