I only come here when I really need to be doing something else. But I don't want to do anything. I don't like anything I'm doing. I don't like my day. I don't like my week. I don't like next week.
I'm graduating in May. It feels like I'm driving off a cliff. Everything I should be looking forward to, I dread. I got an internship this semester. I'm writing for the school paper. It's like everything should be great. I should be feeling great about this. I don't want any of it. Everything I should be happy about just makes me sad.
I wish so often that I could just freeze time. If I could just pause it and have time to myself where I don't have to be doing anything. It feels like there's always something that needs to be done. I have to change my oil. I was supposed to do it months ago.
Last semester I rented a textbook on Amazon. I was supposed to return it by the end of December. I never got around to it, so I renewed it. I've renewed it like four times by now. I can't get my shit together. I'm like the biggest, clumisiest mess. My life is a slapstick tragedy.
I feel really weak and exhausted and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's too hard and I keep going on and onlike some high-functioning alcoholic. Like I still get out of bed in the morning, I get the work done, I get good grades and praise. None of it means anything to me. I don't think I'll ever like myself or be satisfied.
Is this some kind of unconscious punishment? Like the way I procrastinated all day today. I'm too old for all-nighters. I can't handle living like this and I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to tell anyone or where to go. I'm embarrassed to. I've never seen a therapist and I'm hesitant about the idea of a school counselor. How can I make time for an appointment when I can't return a fucking book?