Well I'm not sure why I'm here but I thought maybe writing would help me understand.  I have no idea who I am lately.  I haven't adjusted my meds or anything but I'm being triggered by something.  Probably stress I have a lot of worries on my mind.  I've had the most awful mood swings I've had in a long time.  I live with my daughter and her son who is 3yrs old.  I've had a problem with my daughter using every moment she doesn't work to either sleep or go out with her friends.  I've totally become my grandson's mother instead of grandma.  This used to bother me really bad and then I had a time when I loved it and to hell with my daughter and now it bothers me again because he asks for her everynight and tells me I wish mommie was here I miss her…..what do you say?  I tell him she will be home later but even when he gets up she's asleep and stays in bed till she has to work.  My moods have gone from good to nasty especially with her and the last two nights my grandson didn't go to sleep like normal and was up and playing and not minding and I hollered at him when he didn't deserve it and shouldn't have to have someone holler at him.  One time I almost came close to smacking his butt but I didn't I just left the room cause I needed to cool down and then comes the peaceful mood as I lay with him and get him to sleep finally.  At night is my only time to come into t he chat room and stay a while so I look forward to that and want him to go to sleep before it gets late and I miss my friends so I guess that's why I'm anxious and moody at night but what about waking up in a nasty mood?  I've never done that before it's like I didn't get enough sleep and I'm gonna make everyone miserable when in fact I got a lot of sleep.  I don't know I'm just rambling here but getting upset like that 3 nights ago I cut again.  I had so much rage inside of me I didn't know what to do so I let it out by cutting.  I've always cut my arms or legs but this time I did my stomach and watching the blood come out and run down my skin was a relief in watching the rage and anger inside of me ooze out in the blood.  So now I've broken my promise not to cut anymore that I made to myself that brings on a mood of disapointment and anger again so will I cut again or this time contain my feelings?  I am diabetic and have to give myself insulin shots twice a day and sticking the needle into my stomach is painful a lot of times but it doesn't bother me anymore sometimes it even takes the place of cutting  just a small pain but sometimes it helps..  I need help before it gets too bad but I  need the strength I had before for my sake and my grandsons sake.  I'm hateful with him cause he won't go to sleep fast enough so I cut out the anger and rage and then I go into him and lay with him peacefully and he calms down to sleep….who am I?  I'm not the person I was 4 days ago, I'm not the grandma he's used to being with either.   where is that me?

2 Comments
  1. Galee 11 years ago

    Showwyyy,

    I AM HERE for you if you need to talk, do not forget that hon.

    Love you

    Galee

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  2. Himer 11 years ago

    ((((Snow)))), It is a rough and tough time for u.. Alot of stress and this weather isnt any better.. I really care about u and i know things will pass.. Noone will get the cutting part unless they cut themselves.. Its a relief of stress and it calms the body down by releasing endorphins.. Time will pass and so will the depression… Keep taking care of that bundle of joy…. U are doing the right thing.. Your daughter will wake up someday and realize how important she is in raising her baby… Take care friend!!  Love ya…

     

    Himer

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