well i started thinking after writing yesterday maybe keeping an online diary would be a good thing. if for no one else then just to help me but maybe it will help Jay understand and help me as well. so yah yesterday was a bad day but all in all turned out ok. was still sad and bit depressed all day, ever after Jay come home. he went to bed early and i watched CSI i should prolly find something happier to watch but so far doesnt see like CSI is making me worse, meaning i dont feel sad watching it. Jay and i talked a bit last night after watching the movie Shrek. Bad idea to watch that movie, i forget the song in there Hallelujah makes me cry. but anyway i manged to not cry but wasnt easy, so after Jay told me he was like that song I'm a believer. he didnt think love was real, that it didnt exist anymore. oh forgot he first made me promise to not cry when he said it lol anyway then he met me and he fell in love and no he believes. Jay isnt always that sweet, in fact he often is teasing and almost harsh, i know he loves me, he does say it often it enough and he isnt a mushy guy but sometimes its nice to hear the mushy, it made me smile so big ^.^ i told him i was that way too, its the truth, i was so miserable with Tim i spent half the time on the road crying cause i knew in my heart it was doomed, not sure if i really wanted to know or knew he was cheating but i knew he was pushing me away, that it wouldnt work but i was in love, though i think i was more in love with his looks, i did like the way he held me but thinking back it was more like i was a possession then a love. now not to say i havent cried because of Jay, like when i found that website omg, i was heartbroken, it was Tim and Donald all over again, i was so scared, i really really didnt want to lose Jay, yes true i am scared to be kicked out, ok i admit i dont LIKE working but christ i will do whats needed to survive, and honestly i am half afraid to work because of the PID maybe i would be fine, maybe it wouldnt hurt as bad as it did as Big Star but i was in serious pain then, there was no joke, no lying about that. even now i spend about 50% in some sort of pain, while sitting there is often nothing but moving, well it hurts to stand up or sit, walking gets painful after awhile, maybe its cause i am out of shape, but then why dont my legs hurt or my arms why just those spots above my overies i wish i could get something to help with it, i am scared i dont want to sit around and make Jay work all the time though i do want to be home with Ava if i can, i also know i will go nuts, i would like to have a part time job after she is a a few months maybe a year old not at night, i wouldnt be able to concentrate knowing Jay is home alone with her, not that i dont trust him but Jay is a hard sleeper christ i can elbow him a dozen times before he wakes up, what if Ava was sick or needed a change? what if she fell out of her crib?? would he hear her, would he know to get up FAST, i love Jay but it takes him 10 min to wake up enough to get me something i needed 20 min ago, yes i know i need patentice, and maybe i overreact with kids, i guess we will have to see, he is stronger then i prolly give him credit for and he is good man, i do remember i was a heavy sleeper when i was young once i had kids and evern when i drove truck i was a light sleeper, the slightest noise or movement would wake me up, Jay may surprise me. anyway back to the website after finding that i admit i started to look over Jay's shoulder, though i dont think i ever fully well believed is the wrong word but i dont know since Donald i always was suspicious of guys, i fully believed Donald, but even with Brian i believed him but i still well suspected him of being with his ex. is there something wrong with me? can i not fully trust anymore. did Jay give me a reason to suspect yes. has he given me anymore no, never. true he could lie about working, could lie about what time he gets off work, he could have lied at Hino, but he didnt lie for certain when he was off work, that alone should prove he is faithfull to a fault, he didnt even leave to see his brother very often. and then he walked, so unless he's cheating with someone who lives here or getting a ride. but thats easy to prove, call his brother, and checking up on him at work i can do, i dont though sometimes i do call just to hear his voice, i do worry if he is running late but not cause i think he is cheating, i am scared shitless he will have an accident, i do trust his driving but he gets distracted, he thinks of 1 thing at a time and sometimes zones out things like cars and lights as well as i know how bad other people can be with driving, i dont worry Jay will cause a wreck i worry someone else will. but do i trust him, yes i do, with my life i do, will i always suspect things about hell everyone?? yah i think i will, hell its not just him i suspect bad things of, i suspect his family of not liking me, of my friends talking bad about me, why do i do this? self esteem issues? maybe the problem isnt i dont trust Jay but i dont trust myself?? or believe i am good enough for Jay to faithful to? that sounds more reasonable then he cheats, he isnt like that, wandering eye maybe and prolly, most guys do and most women too, but would he cheat, really? asi type i look over at him, no this man wouldnt cheat on me, i know this. so the issue then has to be with me. maybe because i am fat, lazy and not that pretty (yah the haircut that Jay doesnt like) makes me think bad things about the people around me. ok then how to build up my self esteem? maybe i can search the web, maybe help there. if not try looking in mirror and saying i am pretty, i am not fat, i am smart, and so on, hell it worked once, i actually was able to look in the mirror without disliking what i saw. hmm we shall try, speaking of trying new things, Jay mentioned last night trying meditation to help with my depression, not sure it will work or not but at this point i know i need help and i am willing to try anything, i do see it helping with the manic phases, seems like a good way to focus my mind, too tired and out of it to try now but will later. anyway i think i am gonna close for now, i am sleepy and want to watch tv more. will be back as the mood hits.