It has been almost three months since I have felt suicidal, this weekend the feeling has come back 10 times stronger. I have not slept in the past 8 months. So tired, stressed out and lonely. Spent two months recently in Texas to try and cope with the aftermath of my non-mutual divorce. After 17 years of marriage my ex wife said she was having an identity crisis and needed to find herself. Been back in town a month now and nothing has changed. Do not live in the same house anymore, live in town about 10 minutes apart. Daughter lives with mom, I am renting a room from my ex's stepdad. Immediately went back to work when I got back from Texas. No longer have any feelings for her, but the pain of being alone and not being able to see my daughter everyday is taking it's toll on me. In January I was served with the divorce papers. My whole world fell to pieces that day as I thought we would be able to fix our marriage. Two days after being served I found a rope and contemplated hanging myself. It took the Suicide Prevention Hotline Representative an hour and a half to talk me down. Mid-February she finally ordered me to move out or she would make my life more miserable than it already was. For almost two weeks after, I lived out of my car and motels. That is when I decided to go to Texas with family and try to remove these demons. My last night in town I had the rope with me and tied it around my neck in the Hotel I was staying in, I let it happen and then stopped and released the tension when I remembered I would never see my daughter again. I left the next day devastated and heart broken. Since returning back home, I have been working every day of the 5 day week and on the weekends that is when I am alone again and the thoughts come back, like this three day weekend. I have been thinking about ending this never ending pain since the weekend started. I feel so very alone. Not as hard as the first round in January and March, but very very close. So very alone and depressed.

3 Comments
  1. 6 years ago

    I am sorry you are enduring so much! (((Hugs))))

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  2. elf 6 years ago

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know that pain that drives you to want to end it all. Cling to the thoughts of your daughter, even though you cannot see her very often. Use your love for her to give you the strength to fight the depression so you can then fight for your rights as a father. Many times my kids have been the only thing that has kept me going. Oh, it hurts. I am not saying that it doesn't. You just want the pain to stop.

    I hope you can find a therapist, doctor or group to help you deal with the pain, the loneliness and the tough things life is throwing you. Come back often to vent. (((((HUGS))))))

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  3. iwant2smileagain 4 years ago

    live for your daughter if nothing else.
    wake up for her
    work for her
    love for her
    live… for her..

    I know these feelings all too well..
    I am living for my now great nephew..

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