Well at around 7pm, K's message to me finally came through– he HAD wished me a Merry Christmas after all! I just sat there looking at the message in disbelief. I know his phone is often a day late sending stuff out, but I truly thought he had forgotten about methis time. After I got the message, I felt awake for the first time today and I gotup andtook a bath, chatted with my parents and felt relieved. I had heard from everyone… even K. They all wished me a Merry Christmas. All my friends. It means so much to me. It makes me feel like a person not just some holed up sad littlebeing with depression. I am still in shock, trying to re-direct my thoughts… Trying to realize that Christmas wasn't a disaster after all and there ARE people who care about me. I might not have exactly what I want, but I do have something.
I still need to make it through New Years which is bar none the hardest day for me. It will especially be hard this year without J, who always came over to spend a quiet yet fun evening with me on New Years, we had our own tradition. And although he texted me yesterday, I know that the friendship with J is all but completely over and that's the way it needs to be.
As thankful as I am, I guess I just wish I could have someone to be close to. Someone to love who loves me back, someone to share my life with. I realized this year that that's not gonna happen. So I re-adjusted my thinking and decided to just try to be thankful for and nurture my friends. If I can't have one special person in my life, at least I can have some friends. So that's what I have to be thankful for.