I happened to wake up on the wrong side of the OCD bed today. The OCD ball landed on the "shitty 23" slot today on the mental roulette wheel. Off and on, for the last couple days, I've been doing a repetative mental compulsion revolving around certain numbers.
That was the test drive, today was the Baja, without all the vehicles, specatators, Tecate girls and thrill of accomplishment when finishing. I would think of a string of 6 good thoughts, and repeat that string over and over.Its very hard to explain, but I would repeat those thoughts 6 times, in a group of 3, followed by 5 more to equal 23. The number 23 = W in the alphabet. The W = My World. So on the 23rd compulsion, it fealt like my world was at stake. The hopes and dreams and endless possibilities, etc. I didn't want any negative intrusive thoughts to break the string of good thoughts, and it had to feel "just right" especially on 23…or life fealt hopeless.
Well, what started out as 23 compulsions ended up multiplying to by 23 times 23, with the 23rd compulsion on the 23rd set having to feel right. If THAT didn't feel right, I would end up doing 23 sets of those. So basically 23x23x23, or 23 to the 3rd power, with the 23rd compulsion on the 23rd set of the 23rd set having to feel right. I also fealt compelled to make a small audible hum with each 1, so i probably sounded like a machine gun in the distance. The deeper I got, the more delirious I would get. And even when I did the 23x23x23 set and fealt right, not much later I would find my self doing them again, like an automatic reaction. Multiple thoughts entering my mind each time I hit the home stretch. The intrustive thoughts fealt like they had to be "negated" and the 23rd set had to be flawless. There were plenty of times where it fealt right but on the wrong number. The logic to stop was thre, but it was blurred by doubt. I had taken a Klonopin about halfway through the dya, but got chewed up and spit out; having little effect.
Throughout the day I had done countless sets of these, sometimes to the 2nd and a few times to the 3rd power. Most of my day was consumed by this bullshit, and in the end, the number 23 is still just a powerless number. Always has been and always will. The worst part about a good day is tomorrow is another day, and the best part about a bad day is also that tomorrow is another day. Hopefully tomorrow and beyond is better for all of us.