I decided to start looking for a job. And I went to a temp agency and they had me go to an interview at a warehouse. I ended up getting the job and what I would be doing is called a electromechanical assembler…which means I'm doing labor and on my feet for 8 hours a day, Mon-Fri, 6am-2:20pm. But they also are working people overtime…so my first day is Tuesday. I haven't been able to sleep. I cannot even try to because I start freaking out and getting an anxiety attack.
I'm trying to heal myself through this Valium taper and I know I should be healing and not working but I feel like I need a purpose of doing SOMETHING (being a mom gives me a huge one, but I need something else also…like I'm providing). I have felt like if I haven't gained a purpose in my life I wouldn't want to be living my life.
When I blog I'm a pretty open book and say what I want to say. So I have been struggling exremely hard. To the point of I DO NOT WANT TO WAKE UP. Hoping to die. Just wanting this to end. I pray that this job works out because I can barely stand on my own for 30 minutes without stumbling over or passing out. But usually when I put my mind to something i can do it, but I can also over do it and cause more problems. I know if I fail at this my self esteem will drop so bad and I will feel like a failure and I cannot even imagine that happening to me right now.
I am pissed off, hurt, anxious, drugged out, not drugged enough. It's like a breakdown waiting to happen. Wake up, I cry..during the day, I cry…try going to sleep, cry. Going back thinking to when I was 16 and thrown on benzos I wish so much that I was learning how to deal with everything rather than popping pills that my dr gave out like candy. Screw him. Then once I became addicted it felt like there was no going back. I've had seizures, a heart attack, the worst withdrawals you couldnt even imagine. Im angry because I feel like a large part of my life was taken from me and I'll never get that back. I'll never get the time I'm strung out or struggling getting off this drug (over a year into my taper). I promised myself when my son, Josh, passed away that if I was able to have another child I wouldn't waste one second missing anything. And I AM.
So many thing I have lost, I'm still losing…it's killing me because I don't want that. I don't want to be like this.
With this job creeping up on me, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. What if this and what if that.
PLEASE let me be able to make it through Tuesday. One day at a time with this job, but I need this. But the catch is I need to be healthy and I know this isn't a solution to being healthy. But alive.