I decided to start looking for a job. And I went to a temp agency and they had me go to an interview at a warehouse. I ended up getting the job and what I would be doing is called a electromechanical assembler…which means I'm doing labor and on my feet for 8 hours a day, Mon-Fri, 6am-2:20pm. But they also are working people overtime…so my first day is Tuesday. I haven't been able to sleep. I cannot even try to because I start freaking out and getting an anxiety attack.

I'm trying to heal myself through this Valium taper and I know I should be healing and not working but I feel like I need a purpose of doing SOMETHING (being a mom gives me a huge one, but I need something else also…like I'm providing). I have felt like if I haven't gained a purpose in my life I wouldn't want to be living my life.

When I blog I'm a pretty open book and say what I want to say. So I have been struggling exremely hard. To the point of I DO NOT WANT TO WAKE UP. Hoping to die. Just wanting this to end. I pray that this job works out because I can barely stand on my own for 30 minutes without stumbling over or passing out. But usually when I put my mind to something i can do it, but I can also over do it and cause more problems. I know if I fail at this my self esteem will drop so bad and I will feel like a failure and I cannot even imagine that happening to me right now.

I am pissed off, hurt, anxious, drugged out, not drugged enough. It's like a breakdown waiting to happen. Wake up, I cry..during the day, I cry…try going to sleep, cry. Going back thinking to when I was 16 and thrown on benzos I wish so much that I was learning how to deal with everything rather than popping pills that my dr gave out like candy. Screw him. Then once I became addicted it felt like there was no going back. I've had seizures, a heart attack, the worst withdrawals you couldnt even imagine. Im angry because I feel like a large part of my life was taken from me and I'll never get that back. I'll never get the time I'm strung out or struggling getting off this drug (over a year into my taper). I promised myself when my son, Josh, passed away that if I was able to have another child I wouldn't waste one second missing anything. And I AM.

So many thing I have lost, I'm still losing…it's killing me because I don't want that. I don't want to be like this.

With this job creeping up on me, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. What if this and what if that.

PLEASE let me be able to make it through Tuesday. One day at a time with this job, but I need this. But the catch is I need to be healthy and I know this isn't a solution to being healthy. But alive.

3 Comments
  1. bridgie101 6 years ago

    this is great! What you are doing is absolutely great! I think once I realised that I would not get a second of my life back for feeling bad about it, I turned myself to face all forwards, which sounds like what you\'re doing: just facing the future, facing now, facing life and going forwards gangbusters through sheer courage and will.

    It\'ll work. 🙂 This job you have sounds perfect. No real interaction, no real stress: just physically doing a task, and you can just keep forcing yourself with something like that, and nobody is the wiser. when I had severe GAD I had 3 weeks at work shelling walnuts alone in the cold packhouse at 3 degrees celsius. Silence, anxiety, and walnuts. The task was menial, but I could work at time, work at efficiency, work at speed. It gave me a focus and helped me back into the world.

    When you don\'t work the anxiety increases. Even when I don\'t work for 3 days it feels insane and wrong to go back to work: but I know from experience now that working is wonderful, because it forces me to act normal for 8 hrs a day, and that has actually taught me how to feel normal after a while.

    I\'m not going to lie: it took a while. Certainly over a year. But it\'s a really good forward step, and you will be so glad you did it! 🙂

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  2. MissJennifers 6 years ago

    Thank you so much, I really needed to hear something positive like this! I\'ll be thinking of this when I\'m working or freaking out about going.

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  3. yudith 6 years ago

    Working is not a bad thing. Bad thing is being at home all the time that whrnnu get worse. I felt the same thing when i got a job after almost a year of not working. I couldnt sleep thinking that maybe i would not make it but i took it a day at a time and now im working full time. I still have a lot of anxiety sometimes well most of the time but at least i feel usefull and productive and when i get that pay check my world light up because i made it im making it 🙂 and u will too. Every night before i go to work i always say only tonight i dont have to work tomorrow and the next day ibsay the same and that is how i have made it through 2 months of full time im going to the 3rd :). Working will make u feel better and will make the process of recovery faster. Good luck and dont give up that easily 🙂

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