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This has the potential to be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING, so I apologize, but I need to get these thoughts out somewhere. Feel free at any time to stop reading and make some tea or take a bath or do something kind for yourself. I should take my own advice I guess but whatever. I've been looking up ways to die. It seems everywhere I read the idea of a “painless” suicide is impossible. I'm not sure I have the ability to follow through with anything though. I think mostly about who will pay my school loans when I'm gone and the after effects on others. My friend group has been through a suicide of a friend and it rocked the group to its core. And I'm not trying to make anyone else's life more difficult to be honest. I just want the pain to end. I literally don't know how to handle intense emotions without wanting to cut or thinking about death. I think of the lost friend and wonder if he got what he wanted. Sometimes I visit his grave to remind myself what the end result of all this thinking is. Though I could never go the way he did, he was missing for 3 weeks before anyone found him. He jumped off the GWB. I can't imagine the amount of desperation and strength it took to make that jump. My nagging perfectionism cuts in here, because the notion is that I'm never good enough at anything, not even at trying to end my life, because I'm too scared. So I'm stuck in this place of pathetic existence, being too afraid to die, but also not motivated enough to live. I don't know. My relationship ending has made me realize I don't feel like I have much going on for me outside of a relationship. I let being in a relationship define me so much. So I feel lost without it. I miss my Ryan so much, and it's my own fault he's gone. That's about all the energy I have to write now, I've been laying in my bed most of the day on and off sleeping. Sleeping is the only time I feel good because I'm not thinking. I may check myself into a hospital, we will see what happens. If you made it this far thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.

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