Seth took Savanna over to his moms for the night. It is just me and baby Sierra tonight. I miss both of them already.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine every day. It has been over a week I haven\'t taken it. I know it is terrible. But, what will happen is that I remember when I am in the middle of something important or away from the medicine, and then I forget again. I feel really bad about it because it is not just the anxiety pills my body is missing. I have not taken my prenatal or iron pills at all lately also. This makes me feel even worse because I don\'t want to deprive Sierra of her vitamins. (And yes, I did take them while writing this- this time I remembered)

Sometimes I feel like my mind does not want to get better. I have thoughts like what would I think about if it was not worry. What would I do. Sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking being sick is safe. I get scared at the idea of getting better. Maybe the anxiety disorder does that to you. Maybe it wants you to stay sick and take over your life. I don\'t know if I want to believe that thoough because that is kind of giving it a lot of power. It seems like it would be harder to beat if it had a mind of its own.

I did a lot of ecstacy when I was younger,….a lot. Now that I am much older and smarter, I realize how stupid it was to ever take any. I think that has a lot to do with my anxiety and moods. Sometimes I feel like my brain does not work as well, I can\'t speak as well, I forget words, I forget how to spell things I know how to spell. I think that is all partly from taking ecstacy. I know that it does put holes in your brain. I know that wonderful feeling you get while on it is mostly from a depletion of seritonin, which is a "happy" chemical in your brain. It makes a lot of sense. I also know that there is no replacing the lost seritonin. I guess what I am getting at is I am not sure if I am fighting a lost cause here. Is there really ever going to be a time where I feel content, or did I screw it up for the rest of my life.

The problem is there is so much to worry about. Too much to worry about. So many different things could happen at any second, how could that not scare the shit out of you. It scares the shit out of me.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? Cause I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

2 Comments
  1. kellyleapettry 10 years ago

    Hi Samantha, as I read your blog I felt bad that you forget your meds, you can have terrible withdrawls, it can make you feel like you have the flu, it makes your body go into \”oh no\” mode. Youe body is so adjusted to it that once it is getting out, you get the most horrible feelings. And don\'t worry hun, we all forget, we all stutter, and really those are deffinately side effects of ither taking the meds and not, crazy huh? I am happy for you for not being on Ectasy!!! That itself is hard enough to break, and applaud you for being a strong woman. Just take care of you and your baby, she is your life for the rest of your life of course. But if you need to talk please feel free,I am here most of the time now. I hope the best.

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  2. Samantha 10 years ago

    yes i should get one

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