Felt like I should start writing down how I feel everyday because things are getting really hard for me in a different way . Things were already really hard a couple years ago but the difference between then and now is I'm actually stable enough to function again , which means I have to face normal problems like getting out of my parents house, deciding what I want to do with my life, and not being lonely. I work graveyard shift right now and I think that is a big part of why I am so down. It's hard to function when you're up when everyone else is asleep. I'm somewhat of a loner but this is too much. I need to find a job that is during the day so I can actually be happy and save money. I also want to get back into drawing and reading again. There are so many things that I am passionate about but it seems like its too much trying to juggle that while working at a gas station and trying to maintain a somewhat of a long distance relationship. The last year went by so fast that I barely noticed any time go by. Everyday its the same thing….over and over and over again. The only person I hang out with now is my boyfriend and half the time I'm too tired to even want to do anything remotely cool. Seems like we always end up drinking because I always find that easier then trying to battle the moods I go through when I change my sleep around to fit other peoples schedules. IDK its just depressing to know that I'm still in this house….I'm happy to have a place to stay but I feel ashamed that I haven't saved any money nor paid off really any of the 5, 000 that I owe in medical bills for staying in the hospital when I was suicidal. Makes me suicidal all over again. Seems like very rarely a day goes by when I don't imagine a gun going off in the side of my head or some other form of suicide. I' d never do it cause I'm too much of a coward but still it sucks nonetheless. I've been starting to have panic attacks lately too. Before I barely had them and now I get them quite a bit. They are the worst feeling ever. The feeling that you are loosing it or that you're going to die in a matter of seconds……I don't know. I'm just so tired of my life, I'm not religious, and I don't find a whole lot that is great about being a human in this three dimensional space. It just a fucking struggle to the end. Wish someone would just shoot me and get it over with.

1 Comment
  1. aloneforevernew 10 years ago

    it's weird how your problems shift and some bits get easier, some worse.

    eventually it has to get easier because once youve been down for so long, when you keep making changes, the likelihood of it making you more down gets less and less.

    i am the same with wanting to do so much at once but having so much you want to do that you can't, it's like starting to read 5 books at once. you can maybe read 2 or three at once but the more your read the harder it gets, and the longer you know it's going to take. it's easier when you choose to do one or two things at a time. also, when you do lots of things at once you quickly find somethigng else you really want to do and its like noo! not another thing! then because it's impossibly hard to acheive all these things you have to take breaks and really battle in your head WHAT it is you actually are going to do and justify it. depending on how rubbish you are at making decisions (like me) this means you need more break but it's not liek a break, its  thinking time because your minds overcrowded, then you need a break from the break and in that break you find MOREE things you love! its called passion exaustion, i have it and i'v had to learn to prioritise and cross things off the list or it goes on forever and you always feel liek a failure.

    i know what you mean about thinking it all the time but being to scared to do it. it's annoying it's like your trapped. yer being a human is rubbish. what i blame is just the fact that people breed and then create you. when you were a baby and you got born you had no choice whether you wanted to be born or not. everyones in the same boat. but soem people get treat better than others and i'v learned from a couple of books that how you get treat from since you were born determines how you feel about yourself for the rest of your life. small ones who were treat like shit always expect to be treat like shit, ones who were spoilt always expect to be spoiled, people who were ignored always feel they are supposed to be ignored. kids who were told to shutup always feel they have to shutup. you learn it's your place in society. it's nurture. bad parents are the worst thing in this world. worse than war and disease. it's not just how you are nurtured it's nature aswell- it's in your genes. you don't just inherit physical things, it's been proven that phycological patterns are inherited, (DAMN!) lol but obviously you can change them, it's called evolution. you can fight through this. you can rewire your entire brain if you want to, you probably already are gradually. some people are lucky with perfect parents and things just come to them but we will end up stronger and more versitile. i feel very similar to u

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