At therapy this week we talked about pain, tears, etc.  About how our whole life people are telling us not to cry, and to suck it up.  And how within our bodies we naturally try to do something about our pain.  How many things in our world we CAN have control over, stew over, solve…and get results.  But I needed to consider that perhaps in the emotional realm the same rules do not apply.  And that the more I "struggle" the more I feel out of control, and the further I sink.  Which most often is true. 

 

What has been achieved in the past by trying all the many different ways of coping or trying to bury my feelings as they come?  Only more anxiety, fear, pressure, hopelessness…etc.  So, my homework for this week is to let myself feel pain, in whatever form it comes, be it physical, emotional, or mental.  If I bruise my arm to let myself feel the bruise and think about it.  So far, although it probably sounds silly, I let myself feel menstrual pain.  I have also let myself feel emotional pain and cry in front of virtual strangers.  However, now that I\'m thinking about it…I still felt anger and resentment towards the pain in both cases.  The other emotions I feel towards pain are embarassment, and frustration toward the inconvenience! 

 

So, why do I feel all these negative emotions against feelings that are natural?  I don\'t want to show weakness? I have things to do?  Why am I so unfair to msyelf? So impatient…. 

 

Things that cause me to tear up: seeing other people cry, unfair treatment, people mourning a loss, people experiencing loss of loved ones or childhood, frustration at myself, seeing the birthing process and the first time the mother sees her little one, weddings, prayer, Hallmark commercials, thought provoking music, makeover shows, and also really great love making, when everything just feels "right". 

 

So, not all negative things make me cry.  But when I do, frequently I apologize.  Why should I apologize for crying?  God gave me a gift of a tender heart! A gift! When people tell me this it usually irks me, but yesterday it both irritated and relieved me a little as I tried to accept the idea.  For so long I\'ve been trying to hide who I am, or assume that no one knows the "real" me.  Which is quite silly because people have always known me and seen right through me like a window.  I always think if my friends and family were asked to describe me they would say, "funny", "short", "pretty", etc.  But my inner voice doesn\'t however, let them compliment my serious side, the matron, the dark and brooding artist, the intelligent, the child.  Don\'t get me wrong, I love making people laugh and smile.  That makes me feel more valuable than almost anything else I do.  But hearing the compliments like my mother told me last week, and when people are more introspective about aspects of me just really make my heart soar.

 

Can I learn to quiet the mean and angry inner voice, so that I can do that for myself? Feel safe in my emotions…in my own skin, regardless of what outside forces are present.

2 Comments
  1. tinyOctopus 10 years ago

    That is wonderful what you are achieving.
    I wish I could do the same. I've always been very susceptible to crying, but I always hold it back unless I'm at home (sometime even then I still hold it back). I never thought of it the way you spoke about it. I always thought it was just silly to cry so much, especially because I cry easily at both sad and happy moments.

    I cry over a lot of the same things as you: seeing others cry, anytime I pray or have a connection with God (meaning I almost always want to cry at church), good music, weddings, funerals, seeing traffic all stop to allow a funeral procession to pass through, masses of people running away from something (because there are not any more prejudices, cliques, stereotypes, etc towards others, but instead everyone is experiencing the same emotion, they are all one at that moment), people mourning a loss, people giving to others, when I give to others, my lack of friends, thinking of my fiance and how much we love each other, reading books, watching movies, seeing animals or humans being rescued, the birthing process, thinking of the past, animals in pain, humans in pain, seeing anything die or dying, etc.

    I can't imagine allowing myself to cry in public anymore. Last time I did that was in elementary school, and I didn't enjoy the eyes on me. Made me and everyone around me uncomfortable. It's a huge accomplishment that you're able to do that

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  2. sight 10 years ago

    You have got it 🙂
    From DT:No one wants this pull and push, up and down, circle of feeling. It sits there in our gut like a brick, and in our head making us dizzy. It sits there in our very being waiting for release. When the mask of demands is no longer required to hide and feel it becomes harder to fight. It is like the weather, there is nothing we can do about it. Even thought will stop. There is often one or two words said when we let it go. Those words are our last plea for control. Words like, “no”, or “please no” when we are feeling generous and desperate to hang onto the pain that torments us. No one wants it, to feel what ever will be felt. This submitting to it feels like a weakness, a punishment of sorts by us, because they are our feelings, no matter whom or what has caused them. I am sure colourful language was invented for such moments, because that's what usually comes next, or is it just me? God or someone like it is in our only thoughts as a last ditch effort to resist, and then it, the pain comes. That intruder takes over complete control, and doesn't give a dam how much we feel or suffer. We curse it, and hate it, and then we think of that someone or something that has caused the pain, and put us in this state. More pain and feelings of weakness come. Pictures of the event or person become more vivid, playing over and over in our head. We can close our eyes to it in an attempt to shut it all off, but it is too late; nothing will stop it. No one wants it, these emotions, but our mind and body need to feel, for a chance to heal. Salt and water help our bodies and mind to heal with tears.

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