At therapy this week we talked about pain, tears, etc. About how our whole life people are telling us not to cry, and to suck it up. And how within our bodies we naturally try to do something about our pain. How many things in our world we CAN have control over, stew over, solve…and get results. But I needed to consider that perhaps in the emotional realm the same rules do not apply. And that the more I "struggle" the more I feel out of control, and the further I sink. Which most often is true.
What has been achieved in the past by trying all the many different ways of coping or trying to bury my feelings as they come? Only more anxiety, fear, pressure, hopelessness…etc. So, my homework for this week is to let myself feel pain, in whatever form it comes, be it physical, emotional, or mental. If I bruise my arm to let myself feel the bruise and think about it. So far, although it probably sounds silly, I let myself feel menstrual pain. I have also let myself feel emotional pain and cry in front of virtual strangers. However, now that I\'m thinking about it…I still felt anger and resentment towards the pain in both cases. The other emotions I feel towards pain are embarassment, and frustration toward the inconvenience!
So, why do I feel all these negative emotions against feelings that are natural? I don\'t want to show weakness? I have things to do? Why am I so unfair to msyelf? So impatient….
Things that cause me to tear up: seeing other people cry, unfair treatment, people mourning a loss, people experiencing loss of loved ones or childhood, frustration at myself, seeing the birthing process and the first time the mother sees her little one, weddings, prayer, Hallmark commercials, thought provoking music, makeover shows, and also really great love making, when everything just feels "right".
So, not all negative things make me cry. But when I do, frequently I apologize. Why should I apologize for crying? God gave me a gift of a tender heart! A gift! When people tell me this it usually irks me, but yesterday it both irritated and relieved me a little as I tried to accept the idea. For so long I\'ve been trying to hide who I am, or assume that no one knows the "real" me. Which is quite silly because people have always known me and seen right through me like a window. I always think if my friends and family were asked to describe me they would say, "funny", "short", "pretty", etc. But my inner voice doesn\'t however, let them compliment my serious side, the matron, the dark and brooding artist, the intelligent, the child. Don\'t get me wrong, I love making people laugh and smile. That makes me feel more valuable than almost anything else I do. But hearing the compliments like my mother told me last week, and when people are more introspective about aspects of me just really make my heart soar.
Can I learn to quiet the mean and angry inner voice, so that I can do that for myself? Feel safe in my emotions…in my own skin, regardless of what outside forces are present.