11/8/21

Hi Iris, whats up

I’m fine, just the usual issues with my parent (He still doesn’t have a clue), felt ignored when in school (I must be invisible)… and I still don’t know who I am?!?…. any other trans teens out there?

How in the world do you get up enough guts to tell your folks that you can’t stand wearing boys clothes?

Jeans and sweatshirts are super comfy, I get swallowed up in big tops, which is great. Skirts or dresses are fun to wear but only if I deal with the bulge first.

Tucking is a challenge, especially where comfort is an issue.  I won’t shave and tape, taking that stuff off is so painful! Simple solution I’ve found is women’s large swim bottoms, lined with spandex.  This felt so foreign at first, but when I Look Down There and it is all smooth it is a real relief. I’ve been doing this for so long now that I find it more comfortable when I am tucked.

Parts of this body have always felt foreign to me

Luckily there are plenty of padded bras out there, and thank god for online shopping (where else am I going to find a 44 “A” bra?). Also, leggings or tights are super nice when its cold outside and I can always say they are long-johns. Not that there are any humans nearby to see me…

I never know how I am going to feel in the morning, will I feel like a girl or like a guy?

11/23/21

Just trying to cope with how lame life seems right now, too many changes, not sure about my future let alone next week. Does not feel like I can predict what will happen next, too many unknowns.

I miss my boring predictable life (tic). I feel isolated enough but I am sure I would feel this way even if I was at school…

1/12/22

Big changes (like moving here) tend to increase my anxiety. But on the plus side, no one here never knew me by my old boy name! Sure makes introductions easier. Not sure if I want to “get back into the flow” we moved here during Covid so I know no one here, let alone where to get a decent cup of Joe.

1/14/22

I guess an introduction is in order – I just (well it feels like yesterday) turned 19 this last October, does not feel as significant as turning 18 though.

Dad is away for work as usual so it is just me and Bob (my dog) at home. I could throw a party and dad would never know, but I don’t think he would care anyway– He is pretty laid back and open minded, and should get home around the 14th of February. So, lots of late nights watching tv and drinking way too much Pop.

2/4/22

Hi Iris, Whats new?

Not much, pretty hum drum, nothing new has happened here in quite a while….
Trying to figure out how to tell Dad that I am Trans-fluid…a couple of books come to mind, what do you suggest?

Profile Likes :

My dearest friends who love me for who I am on the Inside, Snuggling on the couch, My animals, chocolate malt shakes & real butter on my popcorn

Dislikes:

Feeling trapped in a big group, Bigots, Liars, Being teased & bullied, when my favorite clothes get too tight!

Music:

Pretty eclectic, some rock, some pop, love 80’s stuff and acoustic guitar, and (believe it or not) Clasical and Instrumental to relax.

Movies:

The fault in our stars, A dog’s way home, Marvel universe, Fried Green Tomatos, Mrs. Peregrins Peculiar, Spitfire Grill and occasionaly dark spooky & scary

Hobbies:

Listening to music, reading, volunteering, fixing up old stuff, finding cool old clothes

Books:

My favorite books are: My Big dictionary, If I was your Girl, Mrs. Peregrins Peculiar, Cat Woman, Fault in our stars, Becoming Nicole

Authors; (in no particular order) Jim Butcher, Charles de Lint, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Mickey Zucher Reichert, Ransom Riggs, Lili Saintcrow, Johnathan Stroud,  Auxier…

About Me

Youngest child of an older lonely dad (Widower) with a lot of time alone at home, since he travels for work. Love my attic bedroom high in the trees, hunting through used book stores, writing stories & Journals and volunteering as a tutor and in the local vet clinic … I even cook once in a while.

I like to change my hair color every few months, bright green, Blue, Red with white tips (mistake) or my natural boring brown.

Taking long walks with my favorite funny mutt “Bob”, especially at night a little out of town, where you can really see the stars.

Bob is my best friend, we have great conversations every day, don’t know how he does that. 😉

Older brother and sister live out of town, they are 34 and 36, I’m 19. J & M’s old nickname for me is “Oops”. I like fixing broken old bikes and giving them away. Old John Hughes movies (yes we still have a VCR!)

Conversation with Sbry        3/31/22 1000 AM

Good morning S, how are you feeling today?

I woke up this morning with a cold wet nose pressed to my cheek…

…and I could clearly hear imm (in my mind) Cleo thinking, ”Why aren’t you up yet? Cleo is my 5f, my fantastic furry female feline friend. does that sound too corny? It’s time for some love and some breakfast, and started rubbing her furry face against my cheek. So at least I woke up with a smile on my face, which is a nice change!

I’m still waking up (again) and desperately need a cup of coffee. First woke up at 5:55 this morning, I just can’t help it, my automatic wake up time is 6ish, fed the cats ( Cleo and Tony) and then crawled back into bed. Which is my favorite place on chilly mornings.

Not sure what the right term would be to describe a person who talks aloud to their animals (like, all the time). Even if I don’t say it aloud, I am thinking it.

The Stellar jays and rabbits are running around outside, and all the little songbirds are taking baths. I really like the feeling of being surrounded by life. Trying to type and Cleo just jumped up on my lap 🙂 and is now trying to crawl onto my shoulder, licking my face 🙂

I decided to talk to you when I read that you identify yourself as pansexual, I self-identify the same way, but can’t quite seem to describe these feelings to any of my close friends. Who are the only people I have come out to (so far).

BTW, I am 19, live in Eastern Washington, finished high school when I was 16 (I was ”home schooled”) for a few years and got way ahead of my same age friends. Have what some might call a ”mixed” heritage, Mom’s parents are Japanese and Samoan, Dad’s are ”Euro-mutts” as he says it, Swiss, German and British,

I’m rambling on aren’t I? I tend to do this when I can’t think of how to say what I want to say or ask. Yes, I do in fact, have ADHD. It’s not who I am, it is simply one thing that makes me the way I am.

I’m rambling on too much, you don’t have to say as much as I do, be blunt with me and don’t worry about my feelings. my emotional defense has thick skin,

So what are you up to today? – Iris

3/31/22 with Scrd

Scrd,

Your last response sounds like the voice of someone who has lived through more in your years than i have in mine. I am so sorry for what you have been through. If I was there with you I would offer you a hug, but would understand if you don’t like being touched.

I guess I have been lucky, most of the hell I have been through has taken place in my own mind.

Therapy helped a lot, and we still talk every week, but I have not seen her since we moved here to Washington. If I seem to be deliberately vague about where I am, it’s because it is true. One of Dad’s oldest rules, “Don’t share details you don’t want to, And, keep private things private”. But is a real relief to share some of these pent up emotions with someone who may have had similar experiences.

I have such a hard time getting out of my mind, it can be a really lonely place,

Difficult to describe going for days at a time without actually meeting another person. I live about half an hour from the nearest small town and about a quarter mile from the nearest neighbor. I am surrounded by a mixed landscape of wooded areas and orchards. Which is where I work, pruning fruit trees. I also do copy editing via email.

Many days spent alone with Bob, some with a soundtrack of music, others completely silent except for the nature sounds around me. So although I am going more than nine feet from my front door, I am further away from other people than anyone else I know. When I am out working I can squat to pee and not even have to consider if someone could see me. There is no one here.

Covid has had little to no effect on my life, I am already so self isolating., it’s an old habit, Born from years of bullying, teasing, and getting beat up by those dumb ignoramus’s

Happy to hear you are doing well, these conversations help, thanks. – Iris

Conversation 3/31 with SM

So Anyway….

My preferred pronouns are, “It, That Person or That Thing” just kidding!

This is what I used to be called when I still went to public school. Yuck! Them and They are always ok. “One” is a favorite. It all depends on the day… today I am more on the “she” side of the dial.

I am —-transgender—-, my interior gender does not always match the body I was born with, (boy parts)… I can’t believe I just typed that, Yikes!

Do —-not—- ask me what my old name was.

Dad always calls me by my old boy name, which I really don’t like, but he is slowly coming around. One of the reasons we moved was to get away from the town where everyone remembers me as a boy.

I am —-also—- Gender-fluid:

A person who describes themselves as gender-fluid is someone who does not align themselves with a single fixed gender identity, such as man or woman. While one gender-fluid person’s identity can change over time, for others it remains fluid. (for me it’s everyday) It’s important to note that gender-fluidity is concerned with a person’s gender and is different from sexual orientation.

A book I like that describes this really well is, The Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin

Some days I wake up and feel more like a boy, and some days I wake up feeling more like a girl. But it is not an either or situation. it is more like a dial with all boy on one end and all girl on the other.

I am –also– Pansexual:

A term used to describe a person who has the capacity to form enduring physical, romantic, and/ or emotional attractions to any person, regardless of their gender identity. This is one of several terms under the bi+ umbrella.

——–In my own terms, I learn to love what is in their hearts.——

This is all that matters to me (as tears drip down my face}.

Add all of these things together and you end up with me, a really mixed up person!!

Here are some sites with definitions:

https://studentaffairs.jhu.edu/lgbtq/education/glossary/
https://www.lgbtq.pitt.edu/education/lgbtq-glossary
https://lgbtq.com/pages/lgbtq-glossary

Hope you are doing well, I need to get some dinner. Hugs, Iris

Wow! it is really late, sometimes I loose track of time when I try to concentrate on just one thing.

 

Talk to you more later – Iris

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