Feeling extra bad today. I'm not sure if it was the talk I had with AB at coffee yesterday or the over all holidays. I guess I am just very depressed. I know the one med I'm taking isn't enough.

Yesterday I forced myself to go out to coffee with AB again. Why? I can't tell you, it was a dumb idea. I just saw him before Thanksgiving and I have no intentions or desire to sleep with him, so why see him again? One of the reasons was because I was meeting a new guy at 330 and I had an hour and a half to kill and AB was in town so I figured why not?

We got on the topic of polygamy. See, AB is a real hippy and he goes from gathering to gathering and sleeps around with many women. He says he will never be monogamous and that's not for him. One day he wants to get married but it will be an open marriage. I despise people like that because they have no idea what romance and love even is and it makes me sick. I know that AB isn't out to hurt anyone, and he says he uses protection but it's still a lame lifestyle if you ask me, then again I am a hopeless romantic in love forever with one person who will never love me back. The truth is I am JEALOUS of AB and wish I could be like him and all the slutty women he sleeps with. They obviously dont' get jealous and just enjoy sex and life. That's a lot more fun than being broken-hearted over one person.

So then I almost told him I still love K. I said that I still have feelings for ONE special person…He said "One special person? Oh no, it's not who I think it is? GET OVER IT!" and he LAUGHED at me!! SO I lied and said "No, it's not that same person from before." I just felt so stupid, I had to lie. Then I was really depressed for the rest of the day. I could barely focus on my conversation with the guy I was meeting. All I could think of was K.

When I got home I wanted to text K. But I didn't. I have to leave him alone especially this time of year when he is planning his big Birthday Celebration and Christmas, I have to stay away so I don't get more hurt… but I need to see him, at least get some texts from him… God I love and miss him sooo much!!