Stress of homework has not only kept me from writing a blog in a few days but it has also killed my mood.
A big part of my recovery process is faking it til I make it. I believe this rule is flexible though. I need to talk about my issues with someone and in my case that is usually my sister, this site, and my therapist when my medical goes through. Other than that I will have to keep a positive front in order to prevent things from falling apart around me.
When I get stuck on a homework assignment (like this lab that I have due tomorrow night) I feel overwhelmingly depressed/anxious. I start to think about how this one assignment is going to effect whether or not I pass this course… whether or not I pass this course effects when I get my degree and how much money my degree will cost… me not understanding the work for this class makes me feel I am not going to be able to get a job after school… which makes me think about my future… which makes me think about CT (long story)… which makes me think about how alone I am and how that might not change if I don’t change.
So logically I know that for my health I need to just get this assignment done. Normally that would mean just winging it and doing my best. But I already spent an entire day with this mindset and was unable to complete the assignment. I just don’t know enough. I truly hit a wall in my education. Here I am, less than a year out from graduating and I have not learned enough to complete the courses I am taking now.
So I found a way to cope with this thinking…
My degree is in Game Programming but my past jobs were in Game Testing which is a type of Quality Assurance. Testing does not pay as much as programming but having professional tested for a living I feel much more confident that I could create a decent career path in this field. So my plan is to finish the programming degree because it is a bachelor’s degree and that fact alone will help me get numerous types of jobs. I had to take a variety of types of courses including math, science, english, history, management, and technical so I feel that this degree really looks good on a resume.
What about the money…
Well, I come from a poor family so in order to talk myself into and through school I got all student loans and defered all payments until six months after I graduate. The good, I really don’t have to worry about the money now… I shouldn’t even be thinking about it… it is unnecessary stress right now. The bad… I have really high interest rates, I havn’t kept good track of how many loans I have, and every course that I have to retake is atleast 800 extra dollars on top of my originally assumed cost of tuition.
So were does this leave me?
I’m not worrying about what I have and have not learned right now.
I’m not worrying about costs right now.
I’m not worrying about my future/relationship (CT)
I’m worrying about completing this course.
I need to relieve this stress by completing this assignment (some way, some how) and getting the strength to focus on my recovery again.
Phew… I know this was long winded. In case I failed to mention before… I’m a thinker. But I’m working on just focusing on the here and now and the facts instead of assumptions.