Today was by far the most difficult of the week. It started off relatively normal, but ended out really odd. See, I was making my way through my day, when suddenly I became angered. I felt like nothing that had happened in my relationship was my fault and that she was at blame for everything that happened (irrational, right?). I was so mad thinking that this guy that she now hangs out with all time might’ve taken her away from me. I hated being that way. I’m normally a nice guy, I couldn’t really explain why I felt that way. But that feeling of anger soon morphed into guilt, and eventually, sadness. I was utterly and hopeless sad. I spent half the time in my last class of the day thinking about what would happen if i cut myself, or even killed myself. Nobody would care and nobody would mind my absence.
That was the worst of it.
I could barely say a word, fearing that I would start crying the moment I opened my mouth to talk. I just stayed quiet all class and thought about what was going on at that moment.
Once class was over, I got on the bus, pulled out my phone, opened up a document, and started writing a suicide note for myself. At the time, I wasn’t sure whether I would actually go through with it or not, or if I would just write it now and see where to go from there. I went into description all that I had done that made me feel inadequate as a human being- the fact that I felt replaceable and couldn’t make friends or talk to people as easy as others. I wanted to die and be rid of all the pain I was feeling at that moment. At the very end of the note, I made an address to the members of my family. I told my parents that none of this was their fault and that I will always love them. The part that tore me up the most was writing about my siblings, both of whom are 13 years old.
“I might never have been the best brother that you could have asked for. Indeed, we had out tribulations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love either of you any less. Both of you mean so much to me. I promise that I will watch the two of you grow up into strong, loving adults. I admire the both of you for your great strength and perseverance, even through the hardest of times. well, now I’m crying in the middle of writing this. Stay strong because I know that you can make it through this. Please help Mom and Dad, as I know all too well how emotional they can be. Be the rocks that they need. I love you.”
That was what I needed. I realized that if I were really to end my life today, I would never be able to see my younger brother and sister grow up. It tore into me so hard that I started crying on the bus. Immediately, I understood that suicide was not an option, nowhere near being feasible.
Now, I think I’m starting too heal.
When I was younger, I told myself that I’d kill myself if my partner had cheated on me. If I can’t even trust the person that I love, who can I trust?
She never cheated on me, it was my own anxiety that got the better of myself. Sometimes I wonder what would happen had been so selfish. Was I acting selfishly? I guess not. The relationship was meant to end. Our personalities differ too much at the moment.
If the day ever comes where the two of us meet and have matured greatly from where we are right now, I would love her. The day is unlikely, however. I am beginning to move on, and hopefully we can remain the great friends that we have been.
This has been an eye opening day to say the least. See ya.