so i cant sleep have to wake up at 6am its now 2am blahhh but laying in bed and letting my thoughts get the best of me has happend and i feel that i had to get them out theres alot of things i keep to myself and i have alot of hate and anger and sadness locked deep with in me and i feel like everyday i struggle to stay my laid back chill happy go lucky self its very hard and i hate to think ill allow myself to wallow in self pity cuz i hate that sh*t but tonights one of those nights where i feel like i should i cant help but ask why does it have to be me why do i have to go through all this crap when im so young and havent even really lived my life at all im catholic but i dont go to church anymore dont really agree to much on the whole strictness and some of the ethics i just believe that gods there and if your a good kind person youll go to heaven basicly is the gist of what my so called faith is but i feel like gods not litening its hard for me to even put into words what im really feeling right now so sorry if its all over the place cuz i can hardly keep up with it myself i just feel so many things envy for all the happy peple with there lives in order and such but thats horrible for me to think that i mean most of em worked so hard to get there not all some have it made easy while im working 2 jobs 6 days a week not in school and i know i can do more and that i have the power to change my life if i wanted to and the whole saying god helps those who helps themself but why wont he help me or my family …. it sucks my mom even says theres a black cloud over our house and it really is i mean some of the sh*t that happens really only u would here stories like ours from us its crazy but we keep pushing forward but im just tired im not saying im giving up my faith never just so sad that it comes to this point where i feel like this and i also hate to pray and beg god to help im sure he gets alot of those prayers in much more needed situations then mine so i only pray saying thanks for what youve give n me and my family cuz yea it could be so much worse but why cnt it be so much better i guess thats what i want to know…. when will my true prayer be heard idk probaly never and as i type this out right now i feel so sad bawling really my keyboard covered in my tears dont know could be im all upset over not sleeping who knows but it helped venting this all out sorry its long and not making any sense at all <3

 – kate 🙁