My Dear Love,
Today I look back on our journey together and I thank Jehovah for the gift he has given me in you. The decision I made 18 years ago to say I do was a decision that I was scared to make but took very seriously. Today I would say I DO everyday, all day. Last year was a rough year for me. For us. I had to learn to let go of a lot of baggage and feelings that I carried on my back and shoulders for years. I felt exposed and scared. I had to allow myself to cry, to be angry, and to except the fact that I made horrible decisions that led to your being unhappy in our marriage.
I had promised myself years ago that I would never be the one to leave, to walk out. But the last two years was the hardest for me. It was on my mind more than I ever would have wanted or could imagine. And when you confirmed what I was feeling, I was hurt, but I was okay with what ever decision you would make in leaving or staying. That was my darkest time. Not just because of the idea of you leaving, but I saw how hardhearted years of our marriage had made you. Whether you would be with me or not, after deep self examination of what and who we were at that time, I began to see you as someone who went through hell in his life yet grew to be a man who deserves love and my respect.
So after the letter I wrote last year I swore that if given the chance I was willing to be what you wanted but then how true would I be to myself and to our relationship, I thought. So I struggled trying to find my way. I struggled trying to be the Jewel with out anger, hate, and resentment. But since I had opened up to you I had no wall to hide behind nor to protect anymore.
Being depressed is the hardest emotional turmoil anyone can go through. To deal with it all the time is exhausting and can tear you to pieces. It did. When I decided to get help it wasn't for me at first. It was because I saw the person I was making you become and it was hard for me to look at you in the face because it was a reflection of what I had created in you. I want to apologize. For me to be where I am now in my mental state of mind I had to face the ugly part of me. I did and I am okay. When January came I decided to stop taking my meds because I want to be me. I want to be me with you and not in that state of mind the meds made me. So I ask that you continue to bare with me. That you please feel free to be honest with me and not feel that you have to walk on egg shells.