At my dad's suggestion I wrote my mom a letter to better express my feelings. Writing has always been my preferred method of communication. I was able to tell her she's been like a rock for me ever since I was born and especially the last 10 years, since I depression/anxiety diagnosis. I felt I was protecting my mom from not telling her my "dark thoughts" and showing her my "sins."
My mom is going on a business trip soon and could be gone for up to 2 weeks. I guess it's better if we clear the air as much as we can before she leaves. Which I agree with. If something were to happen to her while in Charleston, I would forever feel like the last feelings we shared were anger and apprehension. I won't lie, I still feel a bit of a strain but I hope that will diminish over time.
I wish I knew why I felt the strain. Her drinking didn't seem to bother me until she admitted it was a problem. Maybe I've been seeing her as super human, so to speak, as opposed to just human. Maybe seeing "my rock" soften scared me a bit. She's always been strong, after all she was my grandma's daughter. My grandma–the one who passed from lung cancer–was very strong. My grandma was deaf but accomplished so much. She could communicate by both signs and speaking and she raised two girls. My grandma was such a strong person and after the diagnosis of terminal cancer, my grandma had to hand the reins over to my mom and me. Her independence was very important to her and, for my mom, seeing her mother struggle, must have been so difficult. I think–no matter our age–we see our parents as symbols of strength.
If you want to know more about my grandma, I have written several blogs on her. The dates are around the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010. I want to focus on my mom in this blog. Thank you ADHD lol
Anyway, please pray for me that I can let go or figure out why I still harbor feelings of…anger or strain. I'm not sure which. Thanks….